If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children’s science exam answers

A pirate was talking to a “land-lubber” in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape.

He asked the pirate, “How did you loose your leg?”

The pirate responded, “I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaicky, me ‘earty”

His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, “What about your hand. Did you loose it at the same time?”

“No,” answered the pirate. “I lost it to the sharks offs the Florida Keys lad.”

Finally, the land-lubber asked, “I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye?

The pirate answered, “I wuz sleepin’ on a beach near to Key West, when a seagull flews over and crapped right in me eye.”

The land-lubber asked, “How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?”

The pirate snapped, “It was the day after I got me ‘ook!”

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, truck-drivers etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the £1000, and asked the little man, “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”

The man replied, “I work for the Inland Revenue.”

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car — both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through.

She turned to the other woman and said,

“Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row!? You could have killed us!”

Mildred turned to her and said “Oh, am I driving?”

A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.

While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could, he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen – thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenage son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man’s legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, severely injuring him.

It wasn’t the same elephant…

…from Dwight van Maan in Amsterdam (NL)

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots’ uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit. The door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and people at the windows realize that they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off and that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, “You know, Bob, one of these days they’re going to scream too late and we’re all gonna die. . .”

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, “OK, I’m in deep trouble now!” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.” Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.” Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.” Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet … and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says………………

“Where’s that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”

You might not believe this – but this is a ’selected’ list of complaints submitted to Councils (Local Government) here in the UK by some of their housing tenants….

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night…

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it…

He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore…

It’s the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow…

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off…

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage…

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls on my fence…

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off…

My lavatory seat is cracked. Where do I stand…

I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall…

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant…

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen…

I am still having problems with my new drawers…

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared…

Will you please send a man to look at my water. It is a funny colour and not fit to drink…

I want to complain about the man across the road. Every morning at six his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me…

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous…

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third. So please send someone round to do something about it…

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife…

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.

Once he is given some, he turns to a customer and asks, ‘Did you see me rob this bank?’

The man replies, ‘Yes sir, I did.’

The robber raises his gun and shoots him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turns to a couple standing next and asks the man, ‘Did you see me rob this bank?’

The man replies, ‘No sir, I didn’t, but my wife did.’

…from Peter in New Zealand

I recently chose a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?”

“No,” I replied. “I don’t do drugs, either.”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

I said, “No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”

“No, I don’t,” I said.

He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”

“No,” I said. “I don’t do any of those things.”

Then he looked at me and asked, “Do you actually give a shit?”

Er….Point Taken….!