Jokers Wild

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: ‘How much is this bronze rat?’

The owner replied: ‘It’s £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.’

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: ‘I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story.’

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.

By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned..

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: ‘Ah, you’ve come back for the story then?’

‘No,’ said the tourist, ‘I came back to see if you’ve got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a paedophile, a Manchester United supporter, a Banker, a Politician and anything French!’

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

This is good. Not new – but good.

Ever had one of those calls from someone trying to sell you something you don’t want – or to tell you that you have won a competition you didn’t enter?

If so, you will like this….

Just click on the phone.

This is a Google link.
No Google?
You might not connect.

A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks ‘I have an idea. It’s so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on – do the modelling naked – return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself’.

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says ‘Stone me, it wasn’t that creased in the shop’.

His funeral is this Thursday.

….From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOUR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

and MY Personal Favorite!!

WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

…From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)

I’m sure that you have all seen posters on doctors’ surgery walls advertising everything from tissues to contraceptives. Well, in my book, this one should get the prize…

Someone had scribbled underneath: ‘If the light stays on for more than 4 hours, call your erectrician.’