….from Baz In Dronfield (UK)

What would you do? You make the choice. Don’t look for a punch line, there isn’t one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question:

‘When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?’

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. ‘I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.’

Then he told the following story:

Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, ‘Do you think they’ll let me play?’ I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, ‘We’re losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we’ll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.’

Shay struggled over to the team’s bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay’s team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.

In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay’s team scored again.

Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn’t even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the

Plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay’s life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.

The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.

The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.

As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over.

The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman.

Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman’s head, out of reach of all teammates.

Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, ‘Shay, run to first!

Run to first!’

Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base.

He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, ‘Run to second, run to second!’

Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.

By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball. The smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.

He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher’s intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman’s head.

Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, ‘Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay’

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, ‘Run to third!

Shay, run to third!’

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, ‘Shay, run home! Run home!’

Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team

‘That day’, said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, ‘the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world’.

Shay didn’t make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

AND NOW A LITTLE FOOT NOTE TO THIS STORY:

We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate.

The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.

If you’re thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that you’re probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren’t the ‘appropriate’ ones to receive this type of message. Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference.

We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the ‘natural order of things.’

So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice:

Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?

A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it’s least fortunate amongst them.

You now have two choices:

1. Delete

2. Forward

May your day, be a Shay Day.

Another list…!

1. A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
2. What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backwards poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A- flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
17. Every calendar’s days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

…from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders.

The man says, ‘A Hamburger, chips and a coke,’ and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?’

‘I’ll have the same,’ says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

‘That will be £9.40 please,’ she says.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, ‘A hamburger, fries, and a coke.’

The ostrich says, ‘I’ll have the same.’

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.

For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.

‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.

‘No, this time it’s a treat so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,’ says the man.

‘Yep! Same,’ says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be £32.62.’

Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer.

‘Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?’

‘Well,’ says the man, ’several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’

‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!’

‘That’s right. Whether it’s a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,’ says the man.

The waitress asks, ‘But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?’

The man sighs, pauses, and replies, ‘my second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agreed with everything I said.’!!!!!

…from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began?

Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer’s daughter asked her father, ‘Who is that man going into the barn?’

‘That fellow is travelling through,’ said the farmer. ‘and needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.’

The daughter said, ‘Perhaps he is hungry.’ So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing was dishevelled and she had straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer’s wife was very observant. She suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving goodbye to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears.

‘How could he leave without even saying goodbye.’ she cried. ‘We made such passionate love last night!’

‘What?’ shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain?

The farmer screamed up at him, ‘I’m going to get you. You had sex with my daughter!’

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth and yelled out…

‘LAIDTHEOLADEETOO’

It’s true…honest!

…from Bob in Florida (US)

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

‘In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
‘It represents a candle’, he said.

‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’

Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’

The man replied, ‘These are Carols.’

And So The 2008 Christmas Season Begins……

(Unless you know differently…..!)

….from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

1st woman: Hello! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I’m Kelly. How’d you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer—we’d both still be alive.

….from Gordon in Dronfield (UK)

Click Here

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it’s filled to the brim with £20.00 notes. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand pounds in it

He approaches the barman and asks, ‘What’s with the money in the jar?’

‘Well……you pay £20 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.’

The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up.

So he asks, ‘What are the three tests?’

‘You must pay first…… Those are the rules,’ says the barman.

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the barman £20 and he drops it into the jar.

‘Okay,’ the barman says, ‘Here’s what you need to do:
First – You have to drink a whole quart of tequila in a minute or less and you can’t make a face while doing it.

Second – There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third – There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex…. You have to take care of that problem!’

The man is stunned.

‘I know I paid my £20, but I’m not an idiot! I won’t do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things…’

‘Your call,’ says the barman….. ‘but, your money stays where it is.’

Time passes and the man has a few more drinks.

He finally says, ‘Where’s the damn tequila?’

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks… but he doesn’t make a face, and he does it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.

Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and screaming sounds… then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped open, scratches everywhere and he’s bleeding all over his body.

He says, ‘Now where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?’

…from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a friggin’ call centre in Afghanistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

…from Baz in Dronfield

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home, he wakes one morning to find his John Thomas covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: ‘I’ve got bad news for you —you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.’

The man looks a little perplexed and says: ‘Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.’

The doctor answers: ‘I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate.’

The man screams in horror, ‘Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.’

The doctor replies: ‘Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.’

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines hims and proclaims: ‘Ah, yes,……. Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease.’

The guy says to the doctor: ‘Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My G.P. wants to amputate!’

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: ‘Stupid docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!’

‘Oh, Thank God!’ the man replies.

‘Yes,’ says the Chinese doctor, ‘You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!’