Jokers Wild

… From Peter in Ruby Bay (New Zealand)

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There’s a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”

The priest replies: “Get out. You’re on my side.”

…From Dave in Llangwm (Wales)

Only the British will get this one!………………………

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street, and had a drink in Mars bar.
He asked her name. ‘Polo, I’m the one with the hole’ she said with a Wispa.
‘I’m Marathon, the one with the nuts’ he replied.
He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

…From David in Thorpe Willoughby (England)

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!”

Frank Carson has died.

One of Ireland’s most endearing comedians has passed away.

We will miss him – but his jokes will live on.

This isn’t an obituary – check the press for those.

It is a reminder of some of Frank’s humour, which briefly made our world a happier place.

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So I rang up British Telecom, I said ‘I want to report a nuisance caller’
The man at BT said, ‘Not you again’.

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Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

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When I wake up every morning the first thing I do is stick my two elbows out and if I don’t feel the sides of a coffin I’m quite happy.

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My father fought in World War I and single handedly destroyed the Germans’ lines of communication.
He ate their pigeon.

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Paddy calls a wrong number at 3am.
“Is that O’Malley’s Bar?” he asks.
“No it’s not, this is a private residence.”
“Oh, I must have the wrong number. Sorry to have troubled you,” says Paddy.
“Ah it’s no trouble,” says the stranger. “I had to get up to answer the phone anyway.”

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A fella walks into a pet shop and says: “Give me a wasp.”
The shopkeeper replies: “We don’t sell wasps.”
He says: “Well you have some in the window.”

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A man goes into Boots the Chemist and says: “Have you got Viagra?”
“Do you have a prescription?” asks the chemist.
“No,” he replies, “But I’ve got a photograph of the wife…”

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A fella walked into hospital and the doctor said: “You’ve got three minutes to live.”
The man said, “Can you do something for me?”
“Yes,” he said. “I’ll boil you an egg.”

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I don’t think my wife likes me very much. When I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

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Doctor says to a patient, “There’s good news and there’s bad news.”
The patient replies, “What’s the good news?”
“You’ve got 24 hours to live.”
He says, “What’s the bad news?”
The doc says, “We should have told you yesterday.”

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My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years.
He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.

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My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?”
I said, “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

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An Irishman’s wife gave birth to twins. Her husband demanded to know who the other man was.

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…It was the way he told ‘em!

Frank Carson

6th. November 1926 – 22nd. February 2012

R.I.P.

…From Dave in Llangwm (Wales)

A warm welcome to Dave who has recently found this site and a big thanks for this, his first contibution. There’s another further down too….

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy ; if the Pope won, they would have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a ‘silent’ debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, and that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .

Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened?

The Pope said, ‘First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me there is still only one God, common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled
out the wine and wafer, to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

He had beaten me at every move and I could not continue.

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.

‘I haven’t a clue’ said the Rabbi ‘First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him that we were staying right here.’

‘And then what?’ asked a woman.

‘Who knows?’ said the Rabbi. ‘He took out his lunch so I took out mine.’