Jokers Wild

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

It’s about time!!
Now out in paperback!!
The book “Understanding Women” has finally arrived in stores:
Also available from Amazon…

How do you tell the difference between a UK Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?
By posing the following question….

You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

UK Police Officer

Well, that’s not really enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Is he from a non-white ethnic minority? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he would be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-9-9? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour. If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself? If I shoot him, and lose the court case does his family have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and will I lose my family home?

Australian Police Officer
BANG !

American Police Officer

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click… (sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.
“How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst’ and it didn’t move.”

2. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, “Mummy, you are getting fat!”
I replied, “Yes, dear, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.”
“I know,” she replied, but what’s growing in your bum?”

3. A little boy was doing his maths homework.
He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….” His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?”
The little boy answered, “I’m doing my maths homework, Mum.”
“And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked. “Yes,” he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in maths?”
The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.”
The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?”
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”

…From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, ‘What is this Father?’

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, ‘Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.’

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…..

‘Go get your Mother’

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, ‘We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.’
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It’s a Special Branch vehicle and they don’t want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, ‘This sort of thing is all too common’.
(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the Harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Trabant off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -
‘He’d always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out ‘Heil Hitler.”
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND (Subway)
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers…

1) ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.’

2) ‘Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.’

3) ‘Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a point’s failure somewhere between Mile End and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.’

4) ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria Station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future So let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now…. ‘Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…..’.’

5) ‘We are now travelling through Baker Street … As you can see, Baker Street is closed.

It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier. But no, they don’t think about things like that’.

6) ‘Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.’

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: ‘Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman… unfortunately, towels are not provided.’

‘Let the passengers off the train FIRST!’ (Pause) ‘Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care. – I’m going home….’

9) ‘Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open.’ The two are distinct and separate instructions.’

10) ‘Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.’

11) ‘We can’t move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.’

12) ‘To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage — what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?’

13) ‘Please move all baggage away from the doors.’ (Pause..) ‘Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.’ (Pause…) ‘This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!’

14) ‘May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it’s only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.’