…From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)

Let’s put the senior citizens in prison and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc., and they’d receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ’s and legal aid would be free, on request..
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The “criminals” would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.
Live in a tiny room and pay £900.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.
Justice for all we say.

Think about this (more points of contention):
—————————————————————
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Bourne almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Lincolnshire?
And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
—————————————————————
THE BRITISH CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq …
Why don’t we just give them ours? It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for centuries and we’re not using it anymore.
—————————————————————
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this…

You cannot post ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’, ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ and ‘Thou Shall Not Lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ….. It creates a hostile work environment.
—————————————————————
ALSO
Think about this … If you don’t want to forward this for fear of offending someone — YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!

It is time for us grumpy old folk of Britain to speak up!

…From Carol in North Berwick (UK)

It just goes on and on and on an……….

Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won’t take long.
Wife: I won’t be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can’t sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I’m Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn’t have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you’d be more considerate.
Husband: You don’t love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let’s forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please…come on
Wife: All right, I’ll do it.
Husband: What’s the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can’t find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven’s sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: ! Oh, that’s good.
Wife: Now go to sleep…

…and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

Oh Come on…! What were you expecting?

…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

Its the same the whole world over….

A Somalian arrives in Manukau City as a new immigrant to New Zealand.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you Mr.New Zealand man for letting me in this country!”

But the passer-by says “You are mistaken, I am a Pakistani”.

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. “Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in New Zealand !”

The person says “I no Kiwi. I from Hong Kong ”

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, “Are you a New Zealand citizen?”

She says, “No, I from Tonga !”

So he is puzzled, and asks her, “Where are all the New Zealanders?”

The Tongan lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says… “Probably at work.”

…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea One was called Justin and the other Kristian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, ‘I’m fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.’

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, ‘Your wish is granted’
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn’t realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail – it’s much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn’t see his old pal.
‘Where’s Kristian?’ he asked.

‘He’s at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark’,
came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian’s abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, ‘It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.’

Kristian replied, ‘No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re now a shark, the enemy, and I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.’

Justin cried back ‘No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed.’………
(You’re going to love this………………………….)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
‘I’ve found Cod. I’m a Prawn again Kristian’

…From Ray in Prestonpans (UK)

TICK WARNING!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings. I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally but this one is real, and it’s important.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.

I wish I’d gotten this yesterday.
I feel so stupid.

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

Something to look out for.
Fascinating.

Just click HERE

…From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)

This is NOT recommended for Scotland Fans!

To see this memorable video, click  HERE

Then left click to see the rest of the tape.

(This is a Google Link)

…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and  buys 50 acres of land in Alaska -  as far from humanity as possible. He sees  the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s  total peace and quiet.

After six  months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He  opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

“Name’s Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up  the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night… Thought you might  like to come. About 5.00 p.m.”

“Great”, says Tom, “after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”

As Lars is leaving, he stops. “Gotta warn  you……be some drinkin’.”

“Not a problem” says Tom. “After 25 years in the  business, I can drink with the best of ‘em.”

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More  ’n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”

“Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right.  I’ll be there, Thanks again.”

“More’n likely be some wild sex, too,”

“Now that’s really not a  problem” says Tom, warming to the idea. “I’ve  been  all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be  there. By the way, what should I wear?”

“Don’t much matter….. Just gonna be the two of us.”

…From  Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

A father walks ito a restaurant with his young son. He gives the boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face..
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p’s, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p’s, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the womand replied, “I’m with the Inland Revenue.”