Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Donegal Town.
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.

To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, ‘I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken.’

‘I doubt it,’ said Paddy , truly proud of him self. ‘Tonight I’m the designated decoy!

…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?’

…From Big John in  North Berwick (UK)

EYE CHART

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe… as it happens, near Transylvania.

They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front, when suddenly the car skids out of control!

Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

He carefully picks Betty up and begins trudging down the road.
Soon he sees a light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. Then, a small, hunched man opens the creaking door.

Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”

“I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him!”

Bob carries his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs.

“I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places him on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.”
Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:

“Master, Master! ….. The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”

I am soooooo sorry…… But you really should’ve seen that one coming.

…From Peter O’ in North Berwick (UK)

Son asked his mother the following question:
‘Mum, why are wedding dresses white?’
The mother looks at her son and replies: ‘Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.’
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
‘Dad why are wedding dresses white?’
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

‘Son, all household appliances come in white.’

And Just When You Thought You Were Safe….!

…From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)

SAY NO MORE…!

GREAT NEWS

East Coast FM is now available on Broadband Radio.

No need anymore to have to sit there in the presence of your computer.

Over 1000 stations in the UK alone.

Most sets can pick up chrystal clear signals from over 10,000 radio stations worldwide.

And East Coast FM is up there with them now!

Much, much better than DAB – and about the same price.

All you need is a wi-fi connection – the same wireless connection you use to connect your lap-top to the internet.

“SIMPLES !”

…From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)
(With Flags by Andy!)

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated”or even “A Bit Cross.”
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.  Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.”
The last time the British issued a” Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

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The Scots raised their threat level from “Pissed Off”to“Let’s get the Bastards.”
They don’t have any other levels.
This is the reason they hate the English and have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

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The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run”to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are“Collaborate”and“Surrender.”
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.

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It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from“Shout loudly and excitedly”to“Elaborate Military Posturing.”
Two more levels remain:“Ineffective Combat Operations”and“Change Sides.”

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The Germans also increased their alert state from“Disdainful Arrogance”to“Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.”
They also have two higher levels:“Invade a Neighbour”and“Lose.”

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Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

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The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

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Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

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And in the southern hemisphere…

New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA!”
Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy, some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath).
New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is, “I hope Australia will come and rescue us.”

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Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, mate.”
Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!”, “I think we’ll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend,” and “The Barbie is cancelled.”
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.