…From Carol in North Berwick (UK)

If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he’s the famous erudite comedian, actor, writer an acerbic social observer who once said: “I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates”.

His mind sees things differently than most of us do.
Here are some of his gems:

1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
3 – Half the people you know are below average.
4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 – If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with the rain.
9 – All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend… but she left me before we met.
12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 – Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 – I intend to live forever… so far, so good.
20 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
22 – What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
24 – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
32 – The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
34 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

From Peter O’ in North Berwick (UK)

I think we have had this before – but hey! You can’t keep a good joke down….

At dawn the telephone rings . . .

“Hello, Senor Rod?”   This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”

“Ah yes, Ernesto.  What can I do for you?  Is there a problem?”

“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot – he is dead.”

“My parrot?  Dead?  The one that won the International competition?”

“Si, Senor, that’s the one.”

“Damn!  That’s a pity!  I spent a small fortune on that bird.  What did he die from?”

“From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.

“Rotten meat?  Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, Senor.  He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

“Dead horse?  What dead horse?”

“The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.”

“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”

“Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”

“Are you insane??  What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.”

“Good Lord!!  What fire are you talking about, man??”

“The one that destroyed your house, Senor!  A candle fell and the
curtains caught on fire.”

“What the hell??  Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of
a candle??!!”

“Yes, Senor Rod.”

“But there’s electricity at the house!!   What was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Senor Rod.”

“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!”

“Your wife’s, Senor Rod.  She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made Super Quad 460 golf club.”

SILENCE……….. LONG SILENCE………

“Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re in deep sh*t!!”

For some short term amusement, left click on the cat.

…From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)

The ‘Middle Wife’ by an Anonymous 2nd Grade Teacher in the US….

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, and pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they w ant to lug it in to school and talk about it, they’re welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. ‘This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.’

‘First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.’

She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

‘Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, ‘Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!’ Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. ‘She walked around the house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’ (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

‘My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.’ (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

‘And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!’ (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

‘Then the middle wife starts saying ‘push, push,’ and ‘breathe, breathe.

They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom’s play-centre, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.’

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ‘Middle Wife’ comes along.

…From Baz (Currently in Spain)

Dear Wife:

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for seven years but I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your bosscalled to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

***

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn’t work..

I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister
had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I won ten million dollars on the lottery, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

This is brilliant.

Turn up your speakers, click HERE and enjoy!

…From Carol in North Berwick (UK)

This kind of puts a perspective on things…..

Dear Dad

Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here.
But Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my solid-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and most of my fellow students travel by train.

Your loving son,
Nasser

Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:

My dear loving son,
Twenty million US Dollars has just been transferred to your account.
Please stop embarrassing us.
Go and get yourself a train too.

Love,
Dad

…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home, when an old Grandpa walked by.

One of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”

The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”

They replied, “Sure we can! – Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.”

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.

Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison… “We were at your birthday party yesterday!”

Yes, back in the hot seat again with over 1200 miles behind me.
Not bad when you are just visiting family.

So for the time being at least, we are back to normal.

On East Coast FM this afternoon at 5.00 p.m. and again on Wednesday night at 10.00 p.m.

I do hope you can join me.

But in the meantime, here are a few that have come in, in the last few days……

…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

Some brilliant views. Click HERE