Oh the old ones….

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Jun 042009

Paddy’s pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, ‘Ma’am, you had twins…. a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, ‘Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he’s a fecking clueless idiot…’

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,’Well, what’s my daughter’s name?’

‘Denise’ says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved, ‘Wow, that’s a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother’, she thought….’I really like Denise’

Then she asks, ‘What’s the boy’s name?’

The doctor replies ‘Denephew ‘

Jun 042009

…from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Jun 042009

…from David in Thorpe Willoughby (and edited for the UK by Andy)

What is so special about 7th. August 2009?

Do you know what is special about 7th. August this year?

No?

Well, at five minutes and six seconds after 4.00 am on the 7th. August this year, the time and date will be
04:05:06 07/08/09

This will never happen again.

Savour the moment!

…from Big John in North Berwick (UK)

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, ‘You’ve got to make love to me this very moment.’

My eyes lit up and I thought, ‘I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.’

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all – right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, ‘Thanks,’ and returned to the stove, her ‘T’ shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, ‘What was that all about?’

She explained, ‘The egg timer’s broken.’

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.
The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’
The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’
The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to ‘honour’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink… She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, ‘Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?’ Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, ‘Mummy, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?’

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, ‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.’
‘Yes,’ the class said…
‘Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’
A little fellow shouted,
‘Cause your feet ain’t empty.’

We may have had this one before – but I can’t be bothered to look.
It’s still good anyway….

Dear Terry,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV. I hadn’t driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour’s daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour’s daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won’t go to counselling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Terry

Hey – I’m Back!

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May 262009

Glad to be back in dear old Blighty.
Croatia – Love it. Wonderful place and smashing people. Good weather too.
Thanks for all the jokes that have continued to roll in.
Here are the first three of many to follow…..

Cheers,

Andy

Not to worry….!

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May 262009

…from Peter O’ in North Berwick (UK)

Don’t know if this is just a sick coincidence but….

2007 – Chinese year of the Chicken – Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 – Chinese year of the Horse – Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 – Chinese year of the Pig – Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds

Has any one else noticed this?!

It gets worse……..

next year……

2010 – Chinese year of the Cock – now what could possibly go wrong?

May 262009

….from Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, ‘I’m sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.’

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, ‘No, no, I’m sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my
first day driving a cab……………….

…..I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.’

A Sad Story…

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May 262009

… from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

Jim died.

His will provided £40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her oldest and dearest friend. ‘Well, I’m sure Jim would be pleased,’ she said.

‘I’m sure you’re right,’ replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

‘How much did this really cost?’

‘All of it,’ said Sharon. ‘Forty thousand.’

‘No!’ Brenda exclaimed. ‘I mean, it was very nice, but £40,000?’

Sharon answered, ‘The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to the church. The whisky, wine and snacks were another £500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.’

Brenda computed quickly, ‘£32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?’

stone

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