Jokers Wild

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

• Men Are Just Happier People – What do you expect from such simple creatures?

• Your last name stays put.

• The garage is all yours.

• Wedding plans take care of themselves.

• Chocolate is just another snack.

• You can never be pregnant.

• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

• You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

• Car mechanics tell you the truth.

• The world is your urinal.

• You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

• Same work, more pay.

• Wrinkles add character.

• Wedding dress £5000. Tux rental £100.

• People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.

• New shoes don’t cut, blister or mangle your feet.

• One mood all the time. !

• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

• You know stuff about tanks.

• A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

• You can open all your own jars.

• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

• If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

• Your underwear is £5.95 for a three-pack.

• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

• You never have strap problems in public.

• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

• Everything on your face stays its original colour.

• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

• You only have to shave your face and neck.

• You can play with toys all your life.

• One wallet and one pair of shoes — one colour for all seasons.

• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

• You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.

• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th. in 25 minutes.

…From Gordon in Dronfield (UK)

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!’

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, ‘I won the prize for the Best Toast of the night.’

She said, ‘Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?’

John said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.’

‘Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!’ Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, ‘John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary..’

She said, ‘Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.’

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day.

Moses walked up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a arden hut and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain pipe, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly.

Suddenly a very large frog jumped up onto the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, “I hate playing with your Dad.”

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!’

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on …. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?’

The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!’