…from David in North Yorkshire (UK)

A WOMAN’S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who’s not a creep.
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind.
Knows what to answer to ‘how big is my behind?’
I pray that this man will love me to no end.
And always be my very best friend.

A MAN’S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnastic nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a sh*t.

The End

…from Frank – sitting under Putney Bridge (UK)

(We’ve had this one before but Frank can’t remember too far back!)

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, ‘We’re supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don’t have a ladder.’

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, ‘Isn’t that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length.’

….from Peter in New Zealand

Next time you are on a flight and you find yourself sitting next to someone who really irritates you – just follow these instructions:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Start up

4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.

5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky and move your lips like you are praying

6. Then hit this link

….from David in North Yorkshire (UK)

A man named Ralph appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St.Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offered. “On a trip to the Brecon Beacons in South Wales, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily-tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, yelling “Now, back off or I’ll kick the sh1t out of all of you!”

St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”

“Just a couple minutes ago”.

…from David in North Yorkshire (UK)

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies

The abbot, says ‘We have been copying from the copies for centuries but you make a good point, my son.’

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

‘We missed the R ! We missed the R !
We missed the R !’

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old man , ‘What’s wrong, father?’

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, ‘The word was…

CELEBRATE !!!’

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2″ in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

“Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks.”

“The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.”

“Take care of the rocks first – the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

But then……….

A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is:- no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER!

….from Peter in New Zealand

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that a whale swallowed Jonah.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.
*******
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
*******
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to “honour” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
*******
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”
Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
*******
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.”
*******
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”
“Yes,” the class said.
“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”
A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”
*******
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

Three steeple-jacks, an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman had stopped for lunch a hundred feet above the streets of London. As usual they had sandwiches in their lunch-boxes and none of them looked too excited at the prospect.

The Englishman opened his box and found beef sandwiches as always and in anger he said “If I’ve got beef again tomorrow, I’m jumping off – I’ve had enough of this!” The Scot found Tuna in his as always and said that he would join the Englishman in protest if he had Tuna the next day aswell. The Irishman had cheese in his and he swore to join the others if he had cheese the following day.

Lunchtime the next day was a sombre occasion for the three friends. One hundred feet up they sat and in turn opened their lunch boxes. The Englishman found to his disgust that he had beef again, the Scot had Tuna and the Irishman – cheese. Together, as agreed, they jumped off and fell to their deaths.

At the combined funeral the three wives tried to console each other. The Englishman’s wife was saying how much she thought her husband enjoyed the beef sandwiches she made him each day. The Scotsman’s wife said the same of the Tuna she gave her husband. But the Irishman’s wife was distraught and said that she just couldn’t understand it as Paddy always made his own sandwiches!

Three blondes are washed up on an island.

Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.

The first blonde asks to be intelligent.

Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

…from Frank in (possibly) Putney (UK)

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: ‘Don’t Miss The Amazing Scotsman’.
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.

Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge appendage and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign ‘Don’t Miss The Amazing Scotsman’.
He couldn’t believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.

The old Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing personage.

The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

‘You’re incredible!’ he told the Scotsman. ‘But I have to know something. You’re older now, so why switch from walnuts to coconuts?

”Well laddie,’ said the Scot, ‘Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.’