Jokers Wild

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

One day, and whilst queuing in the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to make an appointment and then have to wait for days just to see your G.P.,” Mike replies “they’ve installed diagnostic computers at all the Tesco stores. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It only takes ten seconds and costs a tenner – a lot faster than seeing a doctor and its worth every penny.”

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to his local Tesco.

He inserts a £10 note into the computer which lights up and asks for the urine sample… He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Tesco.”

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. So he mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

He hurries back to Tesco, eager to test the computer.

He puts in a tenner, pours in his concoction and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a solicitor.
5. And if you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Tesco!

…From Carol in North Berwick (UK)

Sky Scotland

Sky are rumoured to be close to launching their own dedicated Scottish Channel later this month, and have previewed the content of the proposed broadcast

Here’s a selection of the listed programmes:

Sky Wan

9am News and whair it’s pishin doon

9.30am How clarty is yer hoose?
This week the ladies pay a visit to a man whose wife shot the craw only three days ago to find the entire hoose under five inches of stoor and the cludgy honkin o’ pish

10am The Mags Hainey Show
Early mornin chat show hosted by big Mags Hainey in which neds and Sengas settle their petty differences by screaming obscenities and attacking each other with furniture for the amusement of the viewing public. This morning’s episode is entitled “Whair’s ma effin hoosekeepin money disappeared tae?”

12.30pm News and whair it’s pishin doon

1pm Neeburs
Soap opera set in the village of Kinghorn in Fife. This week Archie accuses Morag of being in league with Lucifer and has her burned at the stake

2pm Film
Angels wi Manky Coupons

4pm Tam the Tank Engine
Tam goes aff the rails and the Fat Controller is chuffed tae bits

4.15pm Boab the Builder
Reality show where Boab is investigated by Building Standards and the Inland Revenue

6pm News and whair it’s pishin doon

7pm Doaktir Whae
In this week’s episode the Scottish time traveller takes the TARDIS back tae 1966 and breks Geoff Hurst’s legs wae a sonic Glesca screwdriver

7.30pm Torn Faced Cockney Wankers
Eastenders wi’ subtitles. In tonight’s episode, Pauline gets her jotters fae the steamie while the rest o’ the cast stoat aboot wi’ faces the length o’ Leith Walk

9pm Fitba Player’s Burds
Drama surrounding the players of fourth division Auchtermuchty Rovers and their off-pitch antics. This week Boaby is worried that the club is facing relegation while Moira is gettin podgered, baw-deep from the Aberfeldy Academicals goalie

10pm News and whair it’s pishin doon

12.30am Merrit Wi Weans
Re-make of the popular American sit-com ‘Married With Children.’ In this week’s episode, Al sits in front o’ the telly scratchin his baws while Meg is still chokin on her Nat King Cole

1.30am The Beechgrove Back-Green
The boys plans tae dae up a gairdin in Niddrie are scuppered when local neds eff off wi the wheelbarra to rob the off-licence.

2.15am Close Doon

Hi U’all,

It would seem things are back to normal.
The glitch that cometh hath gonneth away.
Such are the mannerisms of the Internet.

Things are going extremely well at East Lothian FM.
More presenters are joining us by the week and our Programme Schedule is filling up fast now.
Listening figures continue to be on the up and up too which is very encouraging.
Considering that in August we didn’t exist …… !

And you can catch yours truly each weekday morning between 8.00 a.m. and 10.00 a.m. with ‘Wake Up With Mo’
Having said that, I am on till 11.00 a.m. all this week as Iain G is recovering from an operation so we have shuffled things round a bit to cover for him.

You can tune in at www.eastlothianfm.co.uk

or by clicking on our icon ….

If you would like me to play you a request or maybe dedicate a track to someone – during the show you can call me at the studio on 01620 822888 or you can email me (24/7) at andrew@eastlothianfm.co.uk

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

Stew died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy.

The three men had always done everything together.

Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said, ‘Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.’

The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, ‘Nope, ain’t Stew.’

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body.

Paddy looked at the body and said, ‘Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.’

The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, ‘No, it ain’t Stew.’

The mortician asked, ‘How can you tell?’

Paddy said, ‘Well, Stew had two arseholes.’

‘What? He had two arseholes?’ asked the mortician.

‘Yup, we never seen ‘em, but everybody used to say:

There’s Stew with them two arseholes.’

…From Gordon in Dronfield (UK)

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it’s filled to the brim with £10 notes. He guesses there must be at least five grand in it.

He approaches the barman and asks, “What’s with the money in the jar?”

“Well…, you pay a tenner and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Audi Quattro”

The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up, so he asks, “What are the three tests?”

“You must pay first,” says the bartender, “those are the rules.”

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the barman a £10 note which he stuffs into the jar.

“Okay,” says the barman, “here’s what you need to do:

First – You have to drink this bottle of tequila in 60 seconds or less – and you can’t make a face while doing it.”

“Second – There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.”

“Third – There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who’s never had sex. You have to take care of that problem.”

The man is stunned! “I know I paid my £10 — but I’m not an idiot! I won’t do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a bottle of tequila and then do all those other things!”

“Your call,” says the barman, “but your money stays where it is.”

As time goes by, the man has a few drinks, then a few more and finally says, “Where’s the damn tequila?!”

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks — but he doesn’t make a face — and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out of the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.

Soon, all the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight — then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he’s bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

He drunkenly says, “Now…, where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?”