Jokers Wild

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera in his rear view mirror.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail’s pace…

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the post for driving without a seat belt..

Hi Folks,

Just to let you know that Jokers Wild continues to set the trend amongst you discerning people out there in the ether who like to smile now and then.
We are really amazed and obviously delighted at just how popular we have become with ‘hits’ on the site growing in number by the week and month.

We normally average around 80 – 100 hits per day but yesterday, well we received 240. For a little site like this, it’s fantastic.

Many, many thanks to you all – wherever you are.

I know it’s hard to take this in but this is actually the 1718th. posting on the site since we began way back in April 2008. OK there has been a little bit of duplication now and then – but not much really.

It just goes to show how much a joke can brighten up your day and how much a smile can be appreciated.

And many thanks too to all of you who continue to support us with your contributions. Without you our mission in life would be so much harder.

East Lothian FM continues to thrive with our listening figures on the rise by the day.
Jamie has done a wonderful job with the website and is receiving acclaim from all quarters.

So please join me every weekday morning between 8.00 a.m. and 10.00 a.m. (GMT) for ‘Wake Up With Mo‘ the definitive Breakfast Show.

We have a slogan there – ‘Put A Smile On Your Dial’
I have absolutely no idea who thought that one up…..honest!

Cheers,

Andy

…From Gordon in Dronfield (UK)

A husband and wife are shopping in their local ASDA. The husband picks up a case of Tennants Extra Strength Beer and puts it in their trolley.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.

‘They’re on sale, only £10 for 24 cans he replies.

‘Put them back, we can’t afford them’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.

‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Tennants and it’s half the price!’

He never knew what hit him!!!

Over the PA system: ‘Clean-up on aisle 25, we have a husband down.’

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst.

He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that he had a Manischewitz wine bottle.

It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie. BUT this was no ordinary Genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis.

‘Vell kid,’ said the genie, ‘you know how it voiks. You got tree vishes.’

‘I’m not going to trust you,’ says the Arab. ‘I’m not going to trust a Jewish genie!’

‘Vott you got to lose? Looks ta me – you’re a goner anyvay!’

The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was right. ‘Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink.’

* * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

‘Okee-dokee kiddo, vat’s your second vish?’

‘My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.’

* * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems.

‘Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Best you should make it a good vone!’

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, ‘I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!’

* * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *

He was turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you’re an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there’s going to be a string attached.

…From Carol in North Berwick (UK)

True email sent to the Lothian & Borders Police Force.
Lengthy but absolutely brilliantly written…..

Anonymised correspondence from a member of the public

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I’m writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it’s third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it’s only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it’s side between the two bins. If they could be
relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I’ve just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you’ll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant
?????????

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ???
?????????????
Community Beat Officer

Dear PC ?????

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it’s own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never
seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It’s surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using
words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the
bottom of the Albert Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I’ll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.

Regards
???????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don’t work for the cleansing department.