Flag Day

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Jun 162008

Jock and Sandy were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Jock, “but we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman took a wrench from their toolbox, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” and walked away.

Sandy shook his head and laughed. “Isn’t that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”

Jock and Sandy are currently doing government work, supervising security and looking after MI6 Files.

Putting

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Jun 162008

Here’s a good link if you like armchair golf…

Click HERE

Old is…

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Jun 162008

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…

Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer,
‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN.. .
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
‘Getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take any fibre today.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car in the car park.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN..
An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

‘OLD’ IS WHEN..
You are not sure that these are jokes?

Supermarket Blues

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Jun 132008

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
boyfriend along shopping.

This letter was recently sent by Tesco’s Head Office to a customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s trolleys when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in the Houseware Department to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “Code 3″ in Houseware… and watched what happened.

4. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

5. September 15: Set up a tent in the Outdoor Clothing Department and told shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

6. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

7. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Houseware aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

8. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

9. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the “Madonna look” using different size funnels.

10. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled “PICK ME!” “PICK ME!”

11. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed “NO! NO! It’s those voices again.”

And last, but not least:

12. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here.”

Blonde Cop

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Jun 132008

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde policewoman asked to see the blonde driver’s license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has your picture on it.’

The driver finally found a small square make-up mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

‘Here it is,’ she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, ‘Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a policewoman.”

Choking Boy

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Jun 122008

From Rex in North Berwick (UK)

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young
boy 30p.to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy gasps and starts choking ~ going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the coins but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,
neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last 10p, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, ‘I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?’

‘No,’ replies the woman. ‘I’m a Divorce Lawyer’.


The Lion Tamer

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Jun 112008

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties and the other is an older retired guy from Dunbar.

The circus owner tells them, ‘I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment — chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?’

The girl says, ‘I’ll go first.’

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s jaw is on the floor. He says, ‘I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.’ He then turns to the Dunbar man and asks, ‘Can you top that?’

The old fellow replies, ‘No problem. Just get that stupid lion out of the way’.


The Perfect Wife

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Jun 112008

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing amongst three likely candidates so he gives each of them a present of £5000 and watches what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.

And he married the one with the biggest boobs.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were captured during a revolution.

They were each sentenced to death and had to face a firing squad.

The Englishman was first and was marched out into a yard where he was told to stand by a wall.

As the General in charge raised his sword and was about to signal the firing squad to shoot. the Englishman suddenly shouted “EARTHQUAKE!”, began to sway and fell down.

The General, thinking this was a sign from God, immediately released the man.

Next up was the Scotsman.

As the General raised his arm, the Scotsman shouted “HURRICANE!”, fell to the ground and rolled over and over.

Once again the General thought that a higher authority had intervened and let the Scotsman go.

Finally, it was the turn of the Irishman.

Having witnessed what had gone before, he waited until the General’s arm was raised above his head, pulled out a box of matches from his pocket and shouted out “FIRE!”

Nice one Eachan.

The hurricane came unexpectedly.
The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, nothing to do and no supplies. Only bananas and coconuts.

So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life. He fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowing boat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.

In disbelief, he asked her: “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”

“I rowed from the other side of the island,” she said. “I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”

“Amazing,” he said. “I didn’t know anyone else survived. How many are there?
You were lucky to have a rowing boat wash up with you.”

“Its only me,” she said, ” and the rowing boat didn’t wash up; nothing did.”

He was confused. “Then how did you get the rowing boat?”

“Oh, simple,” replied the woman, “I made the boat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”

“B-B-But that’s impossible,” stuttered the man. “You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?”

“Oh, that was no problem, replied the woman. “On the other side of the island there is a very unusual rock formation exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into iron. I used that for tools and I used the tools to make the hardware.”

“But enough of that,” she said. “Where do you live?”

Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

“Well, let’s row over to my place, then.” she said.

After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman tied up the rowing boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?”

“No, no thank you,” he said, still dazed. “I can’t take any more coconut juice.”

“It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replied. “I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?”

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, “I’m going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom.”


No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it’s end.


“This woman is amazing,” he thought. “What next?”

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

“Tell me,” she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, “we’ve been out here for a very long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months – you know…” She stared into his eyes.

He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“You mean–?” he replied, “I can check my e-mails from here?”

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