.. from Big John in North Berwick (UK)
Your dog of course….!
If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
Who is your best friend?
Funny
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Jun 142009
….from Big John in North Berwick (UK)
If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of Swine Flu.
Ignore it . . .
….it’s just Spam
The Bottle of Wine
Funny
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Jun 132009
… from Carol in North Berwick (UK)
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw a Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
‘What in bag?’ asked the woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, ‘It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.’
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
‘Good trade…..’
Cinderella – Update
Funny
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Jun 132009
… from Gordon in Dronfield (UK)
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, ‘Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years’?
The fairy godmother replied, ‘Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?’
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
‘The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I’m living hand to mouth on State Benefits, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly- her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, ‘Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother’
The fairy godmother replied, ‘It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?’
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, ‘I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.’
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: ‘You have one more wish; what shall it be?’
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, ‘I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.’
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent such fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful ~the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, ‘Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.’
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned-in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered…
‘Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered…’
He’s my brother…
Funny
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Jun 132009
… from Baz in Dronfield (UK – but currently in Espania)
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”
“Eight,” the boy replied.
The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me, they’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either.”
The Worlds Shortest Fairy Story
Funny
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Jun 132009
… from David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl ‘Will you marry me?’
The girl said, ‘NO!’
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing
and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the
toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END
…from Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”
The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”
MP’s Prayer….
Funny
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Jun 122009
.. from Big John in North Berwick (UK)
I want a floating duck house
I want to clear my moat
I need to mend my tennis court
That’s why I need your vote.
I have to build a portico
My swimming pool needs mending
My lovely plants need horse manure
And the Aga needs much tending
A chandelier is vital
Mock Tudor boards are great
My hanging baskets won awards
And I’ve earned a tax rebate.
I need a glitter toilet seat.
My piano so needs tuning
Maltesers help me stay awake
And my orchard must need pruning
I could have said the rules were wrong
And often thought I should,
But somehow it was easier
To profit all I could
The public really have to see
That the rules are there to test
And by defrauding taxpayers
We were just doing our best
The Speaker of the House has gone,
Our sacrificial beast,
But the public are still braying
For our corpses at the feast
What do the public want from us,
Those vote-wielding ingrates?
They really should be grateful
To be financing our estates.
The message is so very clear,
(we’re merely learning late)
That the British way of living well
Is to screw the bloody state.
The fantastic sentence…
Funny
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Jun 072009
Read this through. It’s very clever.
Why?
Try to guess before looking at the answer below.
“I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing handwriting nevertheless, extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunications incomprehensibleness”.
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
The first word has one letter; the second, two; the third, three….and so on.
Whoever thought it up was either a genius, out of work, in prison, or without a life…!
The Budget – My Suggestions
Funny
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Jun 052009
….from David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)
Dear Mr. Darling,
Please find below my suggestion for fixing Britain’s economy. Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 20 million people over 50 in the workforce. Pay them £1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire. Twenty million job openings – Unemployment fixed.
2) They MUST buy a new British CAR. Twenty million cars ordered – Automotive Industry fixed.
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – Housing Crisis fixed.
4) They must send their kids to school / college / university – Crime rate fixed
5) Buy £50 of alcohol / tobacco a week – there’s your money back in duty / tax etc
It can’t get any easier than that!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances.
(At time of posting, Alistair Darling was still working! – Andy)