…From Davie in Dunbar (UK)
I thought I could hear onions singing Bee Gee’s songs in my fridge last night
- but it was just Chives Talking…!
The Indian With One Testicle
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Aug 262009
….From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was ‘Onestone’.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,’ If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!’
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.’
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word soon got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’
Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest,
Then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day and made love to her all the next night.
But Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!
Why ???
OH, come on… Take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You’re going to love this !!!
Everyone knows…
You can’t kill two Birds with OneStone !!!
The Little Old Lady
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Aug 262009
This one landed in Jamie’s In-Box but he knows not whence it came.
Anyway, thanks – whoever you are.
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”
“Oh really?” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is right next to the football stadium car park. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower plot. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.”
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., pal! Give me £20, or off it comes.’
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Well, you know”, said the little old lady, “not everybody pays.”
It’s All In A Kiss
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Aug 262009
…From Mary in Valencia – California (US)
Two dwarfs (I’ve cleaned this up!)
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Aug 252009
…From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ‘working girls’ and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to perform.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, ‘Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE …. UGH!’ Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE…. UGH!’ Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE … UGH!’ … ALL NIGHT LONG.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, ‘How did it go?’
The first mutters, ‘It was embarrassing. I just couldn’t get excited.’
The second dwarf shook his head. ‘You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t get on the bed.’
Food for Thought
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Aug 242009
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, it’s not me – so it must be one of them.
It’s either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho Cha Chu.
But I think it’s Colin.
Ah, the old ones…
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Aug 242009
..From Grant in Grays (UK)
A man was driving along when he ran out of petrol. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, ‘What seems to be the problem?’
‘I’m out of petrol,’ the man replied.
The bee said, ‘Wait right here.’ and flew off.
Minutes later, he came back with an entire swarm of bees and they all flew into the gas tank. After a few minutes, they took off again.
‘Try it now,’ said the bee.
The man turned the engine over and the car started up.
‘Wow!’ the man exclaimed, ‘what did you put into the tank’?
The bee said,
News from the Edinburgh Fringe – 2009
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Aug 242009
With thanks to the BBC for this one…
Comedian Dan Antopolski has won a prize for the funniest joke of this year’s Edinburgh Fringe.
The funnyman, who has previously been nominated for the Perrier award, picked up the trophy from TV channel Dave.
Nine comedy critics sat through thousands of jokes before choosing 27 for viewers to vote on.
The winning joke was a one-liner from 36-year-old Antopolski’s show Silent But Deadly – “Hedgehogs. Why can’t they just share the hedge?”
The Londoner proved popular with critics and viewers and another of his jokes made the top 10 list.
The Top 10 jokes were judged to be:
1) Dan Antopolski – “Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?”
• 2) Paddy Lennox – “I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’.”
• 3) Sarah Millican - “I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they’re up where they belong.”
• 4) Zoe Lyons – “I went on a girls’ night out recently. The invitation said ‘dress to kill’. I went as Rose West.”
• 5) Jack Whitehall – “I’m sure wherever my dad is; he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”
• 6) Adam Hills – “Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you’re going to get it, but it’s going to be rough.”
• 7) Marcus Brigstocke – “To the people who’ve got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn’t invent it!”
• 
Rhod Gilbert - “A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.”
• 9) Dan Antopolski – “I’ve been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I’ve seen it six times and there isn’t.”
• 10) Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) – “I started so many fights at my school – I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn’t finish a lot of them.”
The Power of Advertising
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Aug 242009
Time for a quicky? – Well here’s three.
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Aug 232009
….from Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, ‘I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.’
He replies, ‘Your eyesight is perfect.’
***
Wife gets naked & asks hubby, ‘What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?’
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, ‘Your sense of humour!’
***
An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, ‘I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?’
He replies, ‘Put a new battery in your hearing aid.’