If it isn’t broken – don’t try to fix it!
The Changing Faces of Pepsi and Coke
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Sep 042009
The Human Body
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Sep 042009
…From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man’s penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.
A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
The Old, Blind Cowboy
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Sep 042009
…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to
a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?’
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, ‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’
Frozen Crabs & the Blonde B.A. Flight Attendant
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Sep 022009
…From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)
A lawyer boarded the Edinburgh Shuttle at Heathrow with a box of frozen crabs and asked the blonde British Airways Flight Attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing at Edinburgh, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in London, please raise your hand?”
Not one hand went up … so she took the crabs home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.
2. Blonde B.A. Flight Attendants shouldn’t be messed with.
Well, I Never…
Funny
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Sep 022009
….From Baz in Dronfield (UK)
At Any Given Moment:
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FACT:
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79,000,000 people are engaged in sex – right now.
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FACT:
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58,000,000 are kissing.
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FACT:
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37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
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FACT:
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1 poor sod is reading jokes on Jokers Wild.
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You hang in there, Sunshine …..
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Schoolboy Fun: The Wheelie Bin
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Sep 022009
…From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)
An Ausie bin man (refuse collector) is driving along a street in Sydney picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn’t been left out and in the spirit of kindness,
and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the
front door and knocks. There’s no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again – much harder.
Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door.
“Harro!” says the Japanese man.
“Gidday, mate! Where’s ya bin?” asks the collector.
“I bin on toiret,” explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. “No ! no ! mate, where’s your dust bin?”
“I dust been to toiret, I toll you!” says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
“Listen,” says the collector, “You’re misunderstanding me. Where’s your ‘wheelie’ bin?’”
“OK, OK.” replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the
collector’s ear. “I wheelie bin having sex wirra wife’s sista!”
Dunbar Community Woodland Group
Funny
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Sep 022009
This is not a joke but I thought I would draw your attention to a Group that I belong to – The Dunbar Community Woodland Group.
Son and heir, Jamie and I have recently been putting together their new Website and whilst it is still far from finished, invite you to take a peek.
You will find the site at www.DunbarWoods.org
Cheers,
Andy
P.S. I think the photos are superb – but then I’m biased – ’cause I took ‘em!
The Unmentionable
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Sep 012009
This download contains scenes of an explicit sexual nature. Only those willing to take a chance – without being spotted, should go any further.
It will keep you amused for about 30 seconds and then the mood will fade. (Where have I heard that before?)
Still want to proceed?
OK – But you have been warned!!
Click HERE
Flight to Dublin
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Sep 012009
…From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)
(I’ve cleaned this up quite a lot – so you will have to ue your imagination…! – Andy)
As they approached the main runway at Dublin Airport, the tower heard:
PILOT – Bejeesus will ya look how f*****g shart dat runway is?
CO-PILOT – Yer nat f*****g kiddin, Paddy !!
PILOT – Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus!
CO-PILOT – Yer nat f*****gn kiddin, Paddy !!
PILOT – Right, Shamus, when I say ‘go’ put de engine in reverse!!
CO-PILOT – Royt, I’ll do dat !!
PILOT – An den ya put de flaps down!!
CO-PILOT – Royt, I’ll do dat, too !!
PILOT – An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can – an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad !!!
CO-PILOT – I’m prayin already, but I’ll hit de brakes as hard as I can.
So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, puts the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul.
The brakes screeched, the tyres squealed and there was smoke everywhere. But, to the relief of all the passengers and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to a stop a few metres from the end of the runway!!!
As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, “Dat has gat ta be de shartist f*****g runway in de world!”
Shamus replied, “Yes, but da ya see how f*****g wide it is?”
The Runner
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Sep 012009
…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)
One rainy day a woman was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
‘Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home 30 minutes early!’
‘I can’t jump out the window ~ It’s raining out there!’
‘If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!’ she replied. He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!’
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
‘Do you always run in the nude?’ one asked.
‘Oh yes!’ he replied, gasping in air. ‘It feels so wonderfully free!’
Another runner moved a long side. ‘Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?’
Oh, yes’ our friend answered breathlessly. ‘That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get straight in my car to go home!’
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, ‘do you always wear a condom when you run?’
‘Nope, just when it’s raining.’