Jokers Wild

… From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill.

The doctor checks him over and says, ‘Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It’s called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There’s no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.’

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he’s never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320. Then he gets the Full House and wins £1000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, ‘Son, I’ve been here 20 years and I’ve never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the Full House and the National Game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!’

‘Lucky?’ he screamed. ‘Lucky? I’ll have you know I’ve got Yellow 24.’

‘B****y H*ll,’ says the bingo caller. ‘You’ve won the raffle as well !!

A recent study conducted by Aberdeen University found that the average Scotsman walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study by the Scottish Medical Association found that Scotsmen drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means, on average, Scotsmen get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be Scottish!

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry too much about me.

I was coming home from shopping, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your beloved Ferrari.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX
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P.S. Your girlfriend called!

…from Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, ‘Where are you going?’

He replies, ‘I’m going to the doctor.’

She says, ‘Why, are you sick?’

He says, ‘Nope, I’m going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.’

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, ‘Where the heck are you going’?

She answers, ‘I’m going to the doctor, too.’

He says, ‘Why, what do you need?’

She says, ‘If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m getting a Tetanus shot.’