Jokers Wild

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

The new iPhone 5 will be available soon…

I’ve checked with Apple but they’re not sure exactly what date it will be – sometime this Spring they told me.

I’ve put my name on the list for when they do. The sales rep said I was number 2,794,587,692!

What’s the cost? It doesn’t matter what it costs, I’m getting one.

Click HERE to see demo.

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes… I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas.

I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes.

Pondering the peas, I couldn’t help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.

‘Hello Barry, how are you today?’

‘H’lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus’ admirin’ them peas. They sure look good.’

‘They are good, Barry. How’s your Ma?’
‘Fine. Gittin’ stronger alla’ time.’
‘Good. Anything I can help you with?’
‘No, Sir. Jus’ admirin’ them peas.’
‘Would you like to take some home?’ asked Mr. Miller.

‘No, Sir. Got nuthin’ to pay for ‘em with.’

‘Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?’

‘All I got’s my prize marble here.’

‘Is that right? Let me see it’, said Miller.

‘Here ’tis. She’s a dandy.’

‘I can see that. Hmm mmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?’ the store owner asked.

‘Not zackley but almost.’

‘Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble’. Mr. Miller told the boy.

‘Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller.’

Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me.

With a smile she said, ‘There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever.

When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn’t like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store.’

I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado , but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles.

Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.

Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts…all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband’s casket.

Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket. Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one; each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.

Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband’s bartering for marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.

‘Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about.

They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim ‘traded’ them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size….they came to pay their debt.’

‘We’ve never had a great deal of the wealth of this world,’ she confided, ‘but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho .’

With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.

And The Moral?
We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath.

A HAPPY, PEACEFUL & PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL
WHEREVER YOU MIGHT BE – ON THIS EVER SHRINKING GLOBE OF OURS
FROM US HERE AT JOKERS WILD

…From Big John in North Berwick (UK)

Spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, chief executive of ‘Ryanair’…….

Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, “That’ll be one euro please, Mr. O’Leary.”
Somewhat taken aback, O’Leary replied, “That’s very cheap,” and handed over his money.
“Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition”, said the barman. “And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland”
“That is remarkable value,” Michael comments.

“I see you don’t seem to have a glass, so you’ll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 euros please.”
O’Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.

“Ah, you want to sit down?” said the barman. “That’ll be an extra 2 euros.
You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro.”

“I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame, please”
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can’t squeeze in he complains “Nobody would fit in that little frame”.
“I’m afraid if you can’t fit in the frame you’ll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat, sir”
O’Leary swore to himself, but paid up.

“I see that you have brought your laptop with you” added the barman. “and since that wasn’t pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euros.”

O’Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, “This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager”.
“Ah, I see you want to use the counter,” says the barman, “that will be 2 euros please.”
O’Leary’s face was red with rage.”Do you know who I am?”
“Of course I do Mr. O’Leary,” the barman replied.
“I’ve had enough. What sort of hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!”
“Here is his email address, sir. Or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cents per second”

“I will never use this bar again,” Mr O’Leary spat at him.
“OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one euro”.

Touche Mr. O’Leary, Touche.

…From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)

Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV & Radio….

Pat Glenn, Weightlifting Commentator –
‘And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria.
I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!’

New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
‘Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.’

Ted Walsh – Horse Racing Commentator –
‘This is really a lovely horse
I once rode her mother.’

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –
‘Ah, isn’t that nice.
The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.’

US PGA Golf Commentator –
‘One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ….. Oh my god!! What have I just said??’

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on ‘Time Team Live’ said:
‘You’d eat beaver if you could get it.’

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked,
‘So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?’
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters -
‘Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.’

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on ‘Look North’ said:
‘There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.’

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
‘Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.’

Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1′s UK eclipse coverage remarked:
‘They seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his shorts.’

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
‘Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.”

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

Edge Designs is an all-women run company that designs interior office space.
They had a recent opportunity to do an office project in NYC.

The client allowed the women of this company a free hand in all design aspects.
The client was a company that was also run by all women execs………….

The result………well…..We all know that men never talk, never look at each other….
And never laugh much in the restroom….
The men’s room is a serious and quiet place…
But now…with the addition of one mural on the wall……let’s just say the men’s restroom is a place of laughter and smiles….
…and maybe a little intimidation.



And they say women don’t have a sense of humour.