Jokers Wild

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar – ALL drinks 10p.

They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, “Come on in and let me pour one for you! What’ll it be, gentlemen?”

There’s a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis, shaken, not stirred and says, “That’ll be 10p each, please.”

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, “That’s 40p, please.”

They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They’ve each had two martinis and haven’t even spent a £1 yet.

Finally one of them says, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p apiece?”

“I’m a retired tailor,” the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. Wine, liquor, beer, it’s all the same.”

“Wow! That’s some story!” one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can’t help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they’ve been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men ask the bartender, “What’s with them?”

The bartender says, “Oh, they’re retired people from Yorkshire. They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price”.

…but FULL marks for lateral thinking.

From Big John in North Berwick (UK)

Full marks for lateral thinking…….

Q1. In which battle did Nelson die?
> * his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
> * at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
> * liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
> * marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
> * exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
> * Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
> * The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
> * It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
> * No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
> * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
> * Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
> * No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
> *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

…From Gord in Dronfield (UK)

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she’s pregnant.
She is furious.
Here she is in the middle of her first run for President as Senator for New York ….and now this has happened to her.

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and starts screaming:
‘How could you have let this happen? With all that’s going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can’t believe this! I’ve just found out I’m five weeks pregnant and it’s all your fault!
Well, what have you got to say?’

There is nothing but silence on the phone.

She screams again, ‘Did you hear me?’

Finally, she hears Bill’s very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper:

‘Who’s calling?’

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”
And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.” And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”
And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.” “YAHOO,” said Abraham. And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that’s the truth.

HONEST!

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)