Archive for the 'Funny' Category
…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS – (a real report from a teacher)
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
“We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck centre, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don ‘t do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night — early birds. Some of the people can’t get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
PRICELESS……
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?”
He replied,” No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”
… From Jeff in Dronfield (UK)
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night..
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Peter invited his mother for dinner.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how lovely Peter’s flat mate, Joanne, was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.
Reading his mum’s thoughts, Peter volunteered, ‘I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates’.
About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, ‘Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the frying pan, you don’t suppose she took it do you?
‘Well I doubt it, but I’ll e-mail her just to be sure’ said Peter.
So he sat down and wrote
DEAR MOTHER,
I’M NOT SAYING THAT YOU ‘DID’ TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I’M NOT SAYING THAT YOU ‘DID NOT’ TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PETER
Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read
DEAR SON,
I’M NOT SAYING THAT YOU ‘DO’ SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I’M NOT SAYING THAT YOU ‘DO NOT’ SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.
LOVE MUM
Lesson of the day – NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)
Doctors
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.
Now think about this:
Guns
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
(Yes, that’s 80 million)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188
Statistics courtesy of FBI
So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, ‘Guns don’t kill people, doctors do.’
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT….
…almost everyone has at least one doctor.
This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner!!!
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
Out of concern for the public at large, we withheld the statistics on lawyers
for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!
Many, many thanks if you took some time out to vote in the Royal Bank Of Scotland Community Fund Nominations for East Coast FM.
We are a Community Radio Station manned entirely by volunteers and rely on donations and sponsorships to enable us to carry on broadcasting.
The results of this particular vote will be announced in October, so watch this space.
In the meantime, do try and join me at E.C.F.M. I have a show every Saturday at 5.00 p.m. called A.M. in the P.M. where I play Golden Oldies and on Wednesday Nights, at 10.00 p.m., Jim Anderson and I present Wednesday’s Night Owls where we have a bit of fun and share it with those who are listening or are in the Chat Room.
You can tune into East Coast FM at any time by clicking on the icon below or the one that is permanently here on the Home Page over on the right.
Cheers,
Andy
…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)
Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people’s.
A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.
They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why we shouldn’t step on ‘cracks.’
They don’t say, ‘Hurry up.’
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don’t have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like ‘Why isn’t God married?’ and ‘How come dogs chase cats?’
When they read to us, they don’t skip. They don’t mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we’ve acted bad.
A six year old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh, she lives at the airport.” he said. “When we want her, we just go and get her and when we’ve had enough of her, we take her back.”
Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me goodthings but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
It’s funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.
