Thought you should know that the book, “Understanding Women” is now out in paperback!
Grant
Important Reference Book Now Available
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Jan 232012
Tea Leaf !!
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Jan 112012
Antony Worrall Thompson stole some cheddar? How dairy!
I went to see Ready Steady Cook the other day. It was fantastic. Antony Worrall Thompson absolutely stole the show.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was stuffed up Worrall Thompson’s jacket.
Antony Worrall Thompson has been caught shoplifting milk, yeast and flour from his local Tesco. He’s clearly run out of dough.
There’s no such thing as a free lunch. Unless you’re using the Worrall Thompson recipe book.
Antony Worrall Thompson stole some cheese and wine. And that was only for starters.
Wozza was caught stealing cheese from Tesco. He should have done it more Caerphilly.
I don’t care what he’s done, I’m still hanging on to my Antony Worrall Thompson blender. Better the Breville you know
Asked how he feels about stealing cheese, Antony Worrall Thompson admits it wasn’t very mature.
New Element
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Dec 152011
This is clever (excuse some of the language)
New Element
University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.
Statistics can’t lie
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Oct 042011
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have £0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminium cans for recycling refund, you would have received £214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle.
A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon !
MAKES YOU PROUD TO BE BRITISH – DOESN’T IT?
The Pilot and the Priest
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Aug 102011
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ‘Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? ‘
The guy replies, ‘I’m Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.’
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, ‘Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.’ The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it’s the priest’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, ‘I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.’
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, ‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
‘Just a minute,’ says the good father. ‘That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?
‘Up here – we go by results,’ says Saint Peter. ‘When you preached – people slept. When he flew, people prayed.’
I knew you’d like it!
Its a Funny Life
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Aug 012011
A man and his wife are sitting at home watching TV,
The man has the remote and starts channel hopping; – golf, porn, golf, porn, golf, porn, golf
The wife says to the man, “For God’s sake, leave it on the porn channel, you know how to play golf”
Health insurance for Catholics
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Jul 222011
An elderly man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in an American store.
Staff called the emergency services, and paramedics rushed him to the nearest hospital where he had emergency heart bypass surgery.
He awoke to find himself in the care of nuns at the local Roman Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board and a pen. She asked him how he intended to pay for his treatment.
“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.
He replied in a rasping voice, “No, I cannot afford health insurance.”
The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”
He replied, “No, I have no money in the bank.”
“Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the nun rather irritably.
He said, “No, I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”
The nun said angrily, “Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
Holiday complaints
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Jun 292011
From Thomas Cook Holidays – listing some of the guest’s complaints during the season.
1. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”
2. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time – this should be banned
3. “On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food at all.”
4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels.”
5. A tourist at a top African game lodge over looking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel “inadequate”.
6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she’d been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the “do not disturb” sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
7. “The beach was too sandy.”
8. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.”
9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
10. “Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.”
11. “We bought’ Ray-Ban’ sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.”
12. “No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.”
13. “There was no egg slicer in the apartment…”
14.”We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish…”
15. “The roads were uneven..”
16. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home.”
17. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends’ three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.”
18. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the accommodation’. We’re trainee hairdressers – will we be OK staying there?”
19. “There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad’.”
20. “We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.”
21. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”
22. “I was bitten by a mosquito – no-one said they could bite.”
23. “My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I now find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”
They walk amongst us and they vote!!! Be afraid! be very afraid!
Spanish logic for ladies who compute!
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Jun 232011
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’
‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’
A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
whether computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each
group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the
feminine gender (‘la computadora’), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine (‘el computador’), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
A Lovely Australian Poem
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Apr 282011
Goodbye Granddad
Poor old Granddad’s passed away, cut off in his prime,
He never had a day off crook – gone before his time,
We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,
The doctor said his heart was good – fit as any trout,
The Constable he had his say, ‘foul play’ was not ruled out.
There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,
Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,
No-one had a clue at all – the judge was in some doubt,
When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,
‘I reckon I can clear it up,’ said Dad with trembling breath,
‘You see it’s quite a story – but it could explain his death.’
‘This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just the place to look for oil.
So they came and put a bore down and said they’d make some trials,
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles!
Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste.
But I couldn’t see a hole like that go to flamin’ waste,
So I moved the dunny over it – a real smart move I thought -
I’d never have to dig again – I’d never be ‘caught short’.
The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn’t dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,
Now I reckon what has happened – poor Granddad didn’t know,
The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.
And you’ll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash–
Well, he always used to hold his breath
Until he heard the splash!!