Jokers Wild

…From Dave in Llangwm (Wales)

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends – and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOUR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have and similar to my character lines.

One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement home.
On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual but continued on my way.

On my return trip, I passed the same retirement home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement home manager.
I asked her “Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?”

“Yes,” she said, “aren’t they darlings? They’re retired prostitutes – and they’re having a garage sale.”

…From Dave in Llangwm (Wales)

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don’t really give a rat’s hiney. It’s the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don’t think so.
I’m retired. Go around me.

A group of bikers were riding when they saw a woman about to jump off The Tampa Bay Bridge, so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.

While he didn’t want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked… “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”

So she does… And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl……..”.

The authorities think she may have been pushed.

…From Dave in Thorpe Willoughby (England)

(We’ve had this one before methinks – but it’s a good ‘un – Andy)

As a piper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a Funeral Director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper’s’ Cemetery in the remote highlands of Scotland.

As I was not familiar with that part of the country, I got hopelessly lost. This was in the days before sat-navs and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived over an hour late and could see no sign of the Funeral Director and the hearse was nowhere in sight either. There were only the Grave Diggers and they were eating their lunch.

I felt very bad about things and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down at the freshly dug soil below me.

I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my pipes and began walking back to my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say to his colleague , “Och Tam, I’ve neveer sin nothin’ like that afore and I’ve beeen putting in septic tanks forrrrr more than twenty years. Der yer ken?”

Apparently I’m still lost….it’s a man thing