Jokers Wild

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists in Montreal, found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American Archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet in Lower Manhattan and, shortly after, a story published in the New York Times reported:
“American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their Ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians”.

One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
“After digging as deep as 30 feet in Bingley, West Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless.”

Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don’t it!

….From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

Tim was at school today and the teacher asked all the kids what their Dads did for a job.

All the Kids yelled fireman, chippy, plumber etc…..

But little Timothy kept his mouth shut – so the teacher asked him ‘Tim what does your father do for a job”

“My dad dances in a gay club and takes off his clothes for the men. If they pay him enough, he will go out with them, rent a hotel room and sleep with them.”

The teacher sent the other kids out to lunch and took Tim aside to ask, “Is that true?”

“No” said Tim “He plays football for Sheffield United, but I was too embarrassed to say.”

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs all over the country.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in a very remote part of the west of Scotland. I was not familiar with the area, got lost and, being a typical man, didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived over an hour late and realised that the funeral director had gone, as the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only two gravediggers left and they were eating their lunch.
I felt very bad about being so late and apologised profusely to both of the men.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down. They had already started to fill it in.
I did not know what else to do, so I started to play.

The two workers put down their lunches and came over to join me.
I played out my heart and soul for this man who had no friends or family.
I played as I’ve never played before and as I played “Amazing Grace,” the workers began to weep.

They wept. I wept. We all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say to the other, “Weel Jock. I have neverrr seen anything like thart before and I’ve been puttin’ in septic tanks like this one forrrr twenty years orrr moorrrr.”

SH*T !

…From Carol in North Berwick (UK)

Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08

Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box 06/03

Male heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82 .

Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian, lately rejected by long-time fiancee seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a person still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box /41

Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Box 84/87

Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life’s beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential. Box 12/32

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No time wasters. Box 3/45

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box 40/27

Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.

Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Frampton’s Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who’s not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41

Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm.