…From Baz in Dronfield (England)
And finally…..
How to get a man to wash his hands!
Priceless.
I would love to know where this restaurant is.
Andy
16 Signs of the Times
Funny
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Apr 182012
The Air Hostess
Funny
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Apr 182012
…From Dave in Llangwm (Wales)
A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.
A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He thinks, because she’s wearing a uniform, that she’s probably an off-duty flight attendant, so he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto:-
‘To Fly. To Serve’.
The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:-
‘Winning the hearts of the world’.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:-
‘Going beyond expectations’.
The woman looks at him sternly and says:
‘What the f*** do you want?’
‘Ah!’ he says, “Ryanair”.
Moss Graffiti
Funny
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Apr 112012
The Haircut
Funny
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Apr 112012
…From Gord in Dronfield (England)
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.’
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a policeman came in for a haircut and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.’
The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then an MP came in for a haircut and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’
The MP was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
The Hunting Accident
Funny
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Apr 112012
A man was resting whilst out hunting when a gust of wind blew causing his gun to fall over and discharge, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later and lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by the doctor.
“Well, sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”
“What’s the bad news?” asked the hunter.
“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”
“Well, I guess that isn’t too bad,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”
“Not exactly,” answered the doctor. “she’s a flute player in the Halle Orchestra. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye.”
My New Mobile Phone
Funny
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Apr 112012
…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)
I’ve just got my new mobile, and it’s one that I can understand, outsmart, and know how to operate!
I got it at the “Vodorange02 Mobiles for Seniors Store” at the mall in Wellington.
You REALLY have to be OLD to appreciate this.
If My Body Were A Car
Funny
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Apr 072012
…From David in Thorpe Willoughby (England)
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model
Most of my moving parts could do with being oiled.
I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ..
Its difficult to start me, once I’m parked.
Sometimes I forget where I am supposed to be going.
My headlights are out of focus and it’s especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are all stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But that’s not the worst of it:
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or splutter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
Six Truths in Life
Funny
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Apr 072012
1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility.
2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.
3. And discover #1 is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.
I sincerely apologize about this but I’m an idiot and I needed company.
You now have 2 options…delete it, or send it along to put a smile on someone’s face today.
(er…..go for the latter. It helps! Andy)
It Happened On A Brazilian Beach
Funny
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Apr 072012
…From Baz in Dronfield (England)
Click HERE. Sound isn’t necessary but it does improve the ambience.
Sort of helps to restore your faith in human kindness, doesn’t it?
The Marriage of Su Wong & Lee Wong
Funny
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Apr 072012
…From Alex in East Saltoun (Scotland)
Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy – but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
‘Congratulations,’ says the nurse to the new father. ‘What will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?’
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, ‘Well, two Wong’s don’t make a white, so I think we will name him…
Are you ready for this?
Sum Ting Wong