Jokers Wild

…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

A Newfoundland painter, Jarge, whilst not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him in Long Harbour for his paintings.

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo and asked Jarge if he would paint her in the nude.
This was the first time anyone had made this request and it had Jarge a bit perturbed. The beautiful lady told him that money was no object; in fact she was willing to pay up to $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Jarge asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Rose, his missus.

In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, “T’would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus. The wife says it’s okay. I’ll paint ya in da nude, but I has ta leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes…”

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.

A representative from Israel began: ‘Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, ‘What a good opportunity to have a bath!’ Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them’

The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and shouted, ‘What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren’t there then.’

The Israeli representative smiled and said, ‘And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech…’.

…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has your picture on It.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. ‘Here it is,’ she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop…

Four Senior Members went into the clubhouse at North Berwick after playing 18 holes of golf one Sunday morning.
The steward asked, “Did you chaps have a good game today?”
The first man, Peter O’. said, “Yes, I had three riders today.”
The second, Peter M. said, “I had the most riders ever. Five.”
The third, Brian W. said, “I had 7 riders, the same as last time.”
The last senior, Joe D. said, “I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today.”
After they went into the locker room, another Senior Golfer, Vince B, who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the bar and said to the steward, “I have been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what’s a rider?”

The steward said, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it.

….From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida state trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked a his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding–a reason I’ve never before heard — I’ll let you go.”

The old gentleman paused then said: “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

“Have a good day, sir,” replied the trooper.