Andy

The Lion Tamer

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Jun 112008

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties and the other is an older retired guy from Dunbar.

The circus owner tells them, ‘I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment — chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?’

The girl says, ‘I’ll go first.’

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s jaw is on the floor. He says, ‘I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.’ He then turns to the Dunbar man and asks, ‘Can you top that?’

The old fellow replies, ‘No problem. Just get that stupid lion out of the way’.


The Perfect Wife

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Jun 112008

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing amongst three likely candidates so he gives each of them a present of £5000 and watches what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.

And he married the one with the biggest boobs.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were captured during a revolution.

They were each sentenced to death and had to face a firing squad.

The Englishman was first and was marched out into a yard where he was told to stand by a wall.

As the General in charge raised his sword and was about to signal the firing squad to shoot. the Englishman suddenly shouted “EARTHQUAKE!”, began to sway and fell down.

The General, thinking this was a sign from God, immediately released the man.

Next up was the Scotsman.

As the General raised his arm, the Scotsman shouted “HURRICANE!”, fell to the ground and rolled over and over.

Once again the General thought that a higher authority had intervened and let the Scotsman go.

Finally, it was the turn of the Irishman.

Having witnessed what had gone before, he waited until the General’s arm was raised above his head, pulled out a box of matches from his pocket and shouted out “FIRE!”

Nice one Eachan.

The hurricane came unexpectedly.
The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, nothing to do and no supplies. Only bananas and coconuts.

So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life. He fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowing boat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.

In disbelief, he asked her: “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”

“I rowed from the other side of the island,” she said. “I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”

“Amazing,” he said. “I didn’t know anyone else survived. How many are there?
You were lucky to have a rowing boat wash up with you.”

“Its only me,” she said, ” and the rowing boat didn’t wash up; nothing did.”

He was confused. “Then how did you get the rowing boat?”

“Oh, simple,” replied the woman, “I made the boat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”

“B-B-But that’s impossible,” stuttered the man. “You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?”

“Oh, that was no problem, replied the woman. “On the other side of the island there is a very unusual rock formation exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into iron. I used that for tools and I used the tools to make the hardware.”

“But enough of that,” she said. “Where do you live?”

Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

“Well, let’s row over to my place, then.” she said.

After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman tied up the rowing boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?”

“No, no thank you,” he said, still dazed. “I can’t take any more coconut juice.”

“It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replied. “I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?”

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, “I’m going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom.”


No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it’s end.


“This woman is amazing,” he thought. “What next?”

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

“Tell me,” she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, “we’ve been out here for a very long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months – you know…” She stared into his eyes.

He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“You mean–?” he replied, “I can check my e-mails from here?”

A police officer stops a driver for going through a red light. The man is a real
jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.

The “Motorist” instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When he finishes writing the ticket he puts an “AH” in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the “Violator” for his signature. The man signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the “AH” and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you’re an A***hole!”

Two months later they’re in court. The “Violator” has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his licence and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defence lawyer asks; “Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?”

Officer responds, “Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top”.

Lawyer: “Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don’t normally make?”

Officer: “Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an “AH,” underlined.”

Lawyer: “What does the AH stand for, officer?”

Officer: “Aggressive and Hostile sir.”

Lawyer: “Aggressive and Hostile?”

Officer: “Yes sir?

Lawyer: “Officer. Are you sure it doesn’t stand for A***hole?”

Officer: “Well sir, you know your client better than I do!”

Air Force Test

Funny Comments Off
Jun 082008

This is worth a look….

The object of the game is to move the red block around without getting hit by the blue blocks or touching the black walls. If you can go longer than 18 seconds you are phenomenal. It’s been said that the US Air Force uses this for fighter pilots. They are expected to go for at least 2 minutes.

Give it a try but be careful…it is addictive!!

Click HERE

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, shook up the snake quite a bit.

“Oh, my,” said the bunny, “I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve been blind since birth so I can’t see where I’m going. In fact, since I’m also an orphan, I don’t even know what I am.”

“It’s quite ok.” replied the snake. “Actually, my story is like yours. I too have been blind since birth and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you and work out what you are so at least you’ll have that going for you.”

“Oh, that would be wonderful.” replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny and said, “Well, you’re covered with soft fur. You have really long ears, your nose twitches and you have a soft cottony tail. I’d say that you must be a bunny rabbit.”

“Oh, thank you, thank you.” cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

Then the bunny suggested to the snake, “Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw and help you the same way that you’ve helped me.”

So the bunny felt the snake all over and remarked, “Well, you’re smooth and slippery. You have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I’d say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in senior management.”

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.


After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.


One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle – a perfect night for romance.


As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.


But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.


After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.


A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.


That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening – red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze – perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get ‘those feelings’ again..


He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary, slid his hand over her b****t, and told her he hadn’t had s*x for months.

Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.


He said, ‘Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?’


I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-litre of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A litre of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A kilo.can of coffee and
1/2 kilo pack of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since I was indeed single.

I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says ‘Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. You probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You’re going to be OK, you’ll walk again – everything. But something happened and I’m trying to break this gently. Your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.’

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, ‘You’ve got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s a thousand pounds an inch.’

The bloke perks up at this.

‘So the thing is’ the doctor says, ‘it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher
she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.’

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

‘Have you spoken with your wife?’ says the doctor.

‘I have.’ says the fellow.

‘And has she helped you in making the decision?’

‘She has’ says the bloke.

‘And what is it?’ asks the doctor. . .

‘We’re having a new kitchen.’

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