….From Big John in North Berwick (Scotland)
When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends.
…From Dave in Llangwm (Wales)
A warm welcome to Dave who has recently found this site and a big thanks for this, his first contibution. There’s another further down too….
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy ; if the Pope won, they would have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a ‘silent’ debate.
On the chosen day the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, and that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .
Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened?
The Pope said, ‘First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me there is still only one God, common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled
out the wine and wafer, to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
He had beaten me at every move and I could not continue.
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.
‘I haven’t a clue’ said the Rabbi ‘First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him that we were staying right here.’
‘And then what?’ asked a woman.
‘Who knows?’ said the Rabbi. ‘He took out his lunch so I took out mine.’
…From Baz in Dronfield (England)
A Classic Video…
I think!
Click HERE, turn up your sound and be prepared to relate!
…From Baz in Dronfield (England)
A professor at Bangor University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, ‘How many people here believe in ghosts?’
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?’
About 40 students raise their hands.
That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?’
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?’
Three students raise their hands.
That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?’
Way in the back, Dafyd raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says ‘Young man, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.’
The Welsh student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the hall, the professor asks, ‘So, Dafyd, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?’
Dafyd replied, “Sh!t, from way back there I thought you said Goats.”
…From Dave in Llangwm (Wales)
Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate’s been hit by a car.
Paddy: ‘Get an ambulance here quick, he’s bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.’
Operator: ‘What is your location sir?’
Paddy: ‘Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street.’
Operator: ‘How do you spell that sir?’
Silence…. and after a minute.
Operator: ‘Are you there sir?’
More silence and another minute later.
Operator: ‘Sir, can you hear me?’
This goes on for another few minutes until….
Operator: ‘Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?’
Paddy: ‘Yes, sorry bout dat… I couldn’t spell Eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street.’
…From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)
A while ago a new supermarket opened in Topeka, KS., USA.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
I don’t buy toilet paper there anymore.
…From Big John in North Berwick (UK)
Research shows that there are seven kinds of sex.
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when You first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been With your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with Your partner for a long time. Your sex has become routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with Your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say ‘F*** you.’
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in The morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your Wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Pension Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)
Ahhh, the old ones……
A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who was that?”
“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”
“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”
“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
“Who’s that woman with Moishe?” asks the wife.
“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.
“Ours is prettier,” she replies.
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband… for example…
A wife comes home late one night, arriving early from being out of town and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink and and calm her nerves.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
Clearly she is startled to see him there, starts to say something but he says,
“Hi Darling”, he says, “Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.”
