Jokers Wild

No, not a joke, but a peep forward in time.
For UK TV viewers this is what is in store for us……and it may be as soon as next year.
Click HERE to view

(Remember – You saw it first here on Jokers Wild – probably)

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.
‘Is it true,’ she wanted to know, ‘that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?’
‘Yes, I’m afraid so,’ the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked
‘NO REFILLS’.’
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An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son ‘Yes, Dad , what is it? ‘
‘Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife….’
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Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
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(My favorite)
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
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Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me! I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
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When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
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You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
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One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
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Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
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First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It’s worse when you forget to pull it down.
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Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft… Today, it’s called golf.

When the Pope recently visited the UK he arrived first in Scotland and travelled from Edinburgh, having met the Queen at Holyrood, to Bellehouston Park in Glasgow where he conducted Mass in front of 65.000 people and a television audience of millions.

The Catholic Bishop of Glasgow stood at the front of the stage and asked the congregation if there was anyone there to whom His Holiness could direct a special and personal prayer.

A man near the front put up his hand and the Bishop asked him to come forward.

‘What is your name’, asked the Bishop.
‘Tam O’Malley’, said the man.
‘Are you of the faith?’ asked the Bishop.
‘Oh to be sure, your honour’, replied Tam. ‘I have lived heer in Scotland dese last twenty years but I was born in de Mudder Country and am Cattolic trough and trough’.
‘Very well then’. said the Bishop. ‘What would you like His Holiness to pray for?’
‘I would lyke Him te pray for me hearing sir, please sir’, replied Tam.

The Bishop then turned and walked over to where the Pontiff was sitting and whispered in his ear.

His Holiness rose from his seat, walked to the front of the stage and beckoned Tam to kneel before him.

The Pope then put the end of his finger in Tam’s ear and began to pray.
When he had finished, he returned to his throne and the Bishop came forward again.

He said to Tam, ‘I hope that helped. You were very honoured to have his Holiness personally pray for you. Did it help?

Tam said, ‘I don’t know yet Father. Me hearing isn’t until next Tursday at Glasgow Sheriffs Court!’

…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband’s condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, ‘You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!’ The woman was feeling so guilty, she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, ‘I’m just pulling your leg. He’s dead. Show me what you bought.’

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

An atheist was walking through the woods.

‘What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!’ he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground, rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him….

At that instant the Atheist cried out, ‘Oh my God!’

Time Stopped.The bear froze.The forest was silent.
A bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky.

‘You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer ?’

The atheist looked directly into the light, ‘It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian ?”

Very well,’ said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed, and the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head, smiled and spoke:…..

‘For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.’