…From Carol in North Berwick (UK)
It just goes on and on and on an……….
Optical Illusions
Funny
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Jul 302010
An Old Joke
Funny
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Jul 302010
Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won’t take long.
Wife: I won’t be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can’t sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I’m Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn’t have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you’d be more considerate.
Husband: You don’t love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let’s forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please…come on
Wife: All right, I’ll do it.
Husband: What’s the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can’t find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven’s sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: ! Oh, that’s good.
Wife: Now go to sleep…
…and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
Oh Come on…! What were you expecting?
…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)
Its the same the whole world over….
A Somalian arrives in Manukau City as a new immigrant to New Zealand.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you Mr.New Zealand man for letting me in this country!”
But the passer-by says “You are mistaken, I am a Pakistani”.
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. “Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in New Zealand !”
The person says “I no Kiwi. I from Hong Kong ”
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, “Are you a New Zealand citizen?”
She says, “No, I from Tonga !”
So he is puzzled, and asks her, “Where are all the New Zealanders?”
The Tongan lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says… “Probably at work.”
The Prawn Joke
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Jul 282010
…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea One was called Justin and the other Kristian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, ‘I’m fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.’
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, ‘Your wish is granted’
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn’t realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail – it’s much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn’t see his old pal.
‘Where’s Kristian?’ he asked.
‘He’s at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark’,
came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian’s abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, ‘It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.’
Kristian replied, ‘No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re now a shark, the enemy, and I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.’
Justin cried back ‘No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed.’………
(You’re going to love this………………………….)
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‘I’ve found Cod. I’m a Prawn again Kristian’
TICK WARNING!
Funny
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Jul 282010
…From Ray in Prestonpans (UK)
TICK WARNING!
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings. I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally but this one is real, and it’s important.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.
I wish I’d gotten this yesterday.
I feel so stupid.
Jul 282010
Jul 262010
…From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)
This is NOT recommended for Scotland Fans!
To see this memorable video, click HERE
Then left click to see the rest of the tape.
(This is a Google Link)
Neighbourhood Watch
Funny
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Jul 262010
…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska - as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
“Name’s Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night… Thought you might like to come. About 5.00 p.m.”
“Great”, says Tom, “after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”
As Lars is leaving, he stops. “Gotta warn you……be some drinkin’.”
“Not a problem” says Tom. “After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ‘em.”
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More ’n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”
“Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right. I’ll be there, Thanks again.”
“More’n likely be some wild sex, too,”
“Now that’s really not a problem” says Tom, warming to the idea. “I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?”
“Don’t much matter….. Just gonna be the two of us.”
The Last 10p
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Jul 262010
…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)
A father walks ito a restaurant with his young son. He gives the boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face..
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p’s, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p’s, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” the womand replied, “I’m with the Inland Revenue.”
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
Funny
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Jul 232010
….From Big John in North Berwick (UK)
When a woman wears a leather dress, a man’s heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
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It’s because she smells like a new golf bag.