Jokers Wild

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the ‘Chicken Surprise’.

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

‘Good grief, did you see that?’ she asks her husband. He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

‘Please sir,’ says the waiter, ‘what you order?’

The husband replies, ‘Chicken Surprise.’

‘Ah! So sorry,’ says the waiter, ‘I bring you Peeking Duck!’

A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA TO SEE GOD’S COUNTRY. WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN, HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY.
BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!

HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT’S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE. BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE.
“SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS.”

THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, “THAT THAR’S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN ‘ER.”

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!!
HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT’S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

“THAT’S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE’S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET.”

THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL’ BOY. HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!

ONE MORE TEST.

THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN.
THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER’s SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, “AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?”

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, “WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST.”

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS.

AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, ANOTHER FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.

HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, “SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF IT!!”

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, “IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?”

WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. “THAT THAR’S THE FRONT,” THE REDNECK SAYS.

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, “HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT’S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?”

THE GOOD OL’ BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, “CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A SHIT BEHIND IT!”

HE GOT THE JOB.

BBQ RULES :

We are entering the BBQ season once again. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine…
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine…
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine…
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. – And most important of all:

(11) EVERYONE  PRAISES THE MAN AND THANKS HIM FOR HIS COOKING EFFORTS.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘ her night off ‘ and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women!

It was called  - ‘THE WIFE’

….From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

…It didn’t take long!