Jokers Wild

….From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with Harry, one of her students.
The teacher asked “Harry, what’s your problem?”

Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd. grade too!”

Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal with the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
“What is 3 x 3 ?”

Harry:
“9”

Principal:
“What is 6 x 6 ?”

Harry:
“36”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade”

Ms Brooks says to the principal: “Let me ask him some questions”

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Harry, after a moment: “Legs”

Ms Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: “Pockets”

Ms Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Harry: “Pants”

Ms Brooks: “What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”

Harry: “Coconut”

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum”

Ms Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”

Harry: “Shake hands”

The principal was trembling.

Ms Brooks: “What word starts with a “F” and ends in “K” that means a lot of heat and excitement?”

Harry: “Firetruck”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher: “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong …..”

…From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)

Defence Lawyer:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defence Lawyer:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Lawyer:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Lawyer:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Lawyer:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn’t stop him.

Defence Lawyer:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defence Lawyer:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Lawyer:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defence Lawyer:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defence Lawyer:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so ‘spicy’ that I just laid down and told him….’Take me, young man. Take me now!

Defence Lawyer:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ‘April Fool!’
…And that’s when I shot him.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN’T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL…..!

I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HER DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HER FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, QUITE BEAUTIFUL, DARK HAIRED GIRL WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO

COULD SHE BE THE SAME ONE THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HER, HOWEVER,  I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS GRAY HAIRED LADY WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.  AFTER SHE EXAMINED MY TEETH,  I ASKED HER IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .

‘YES, YES I DID. I’M A MORGANNER! ‘ SHE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

‘WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?’ I ASKED

SHE ANSWERED, IN 1965.  WHY DO YOU ASK?

‘YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!’ I EXCLAIMED.

SHE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THAT UGLY,

OLD,

WRINKLED,

FAT A***D,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

BITCH ASKED….

‘WHAT DID YOU TEACH?’

Following reports that numerous Jokers Wild readers were somewhat concerned about their health and diet, we invited a leading G.P. into the office to answer some of the frequently asked questions that are of most concern to you…

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… Don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.
Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!!
…. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?
HELLO?
Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

‘Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ‘WOO HOO, What a Ride’