Say No More….!
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May 302010
Off To Get Married
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May 302010
On their way to getting married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find out,’ and he leaves.
The couple sit and wait, and wait. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. ‘What if it doesn’t work?’ they wondered. ‘Are we stuck together forever?’
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. ‘Yes,’ he informs the couple, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’
‘Great!’ says the couple, ‘But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?’
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
‘What’s wrong?’ ask the frightened couple.
‘OH, COME ON!’ St. Peter shouts, ‘It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?’
The Councli Job Interview
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May 302010
…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)
A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He replies, “Yes, caffeine.”
“Have you ever worked for the public service before?”
“Yes, I was in the army.” he says, “I was in Iraq for two tours.”
The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.”
Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles”.
The interviewer grimaces and then says, “O.K. You’ve got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm…
…but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am – and carry on starting at 10.00am every day.”
The bloke is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don’t you want me here until 10.00am? I’m not looking for any special treatment y’know”
“What you have to understand is that this is a council job,” the interviewer says, “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our b***s. There’s no point in you coming in for that.”
May 302010
….From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)
Sent to me by a Scot who lives in Harrogate and signs himslef as ABE (Anywhere but England)
50°F
People in Southern England turn on the central heating
People in Edinburgh put out bedding plants
40°F
Southerners shiver uncontrollably
Glaswegians sunbathe on the beach at Largs
35°F
Cars in the South of England refuse to start
People in Falkirk drive with their windows down
20°F
Southerners wear overcoats, gloves and woolly hats
Aberdonian men throw on a t-shirt; girls start wearing mini-skirts
15°F
Southerners begin to evacuate to the continent
People from Dundee swim in the River Tay at Broughty Ferry
0°F
Life in the South grinds to a halt
Inverness folk have the last BBQ before it gets cold
-10°F
Life in the South ceases to exist
People in Dunfermline throw on a light jacket
-80°F
Polar bears wonder if it’s worth carrying on
Boy Scouts in Oban start wearing their long trousers
-100°F
Santa Claus abandons North Pole
People in Stirling put on their ‘long johns’
-173°F
Alcohol freezes
Glaswegians get upset because all the pubs are shut
-297°F
Microbial life starts to disappear
The cows in Dumfriesshire complain about farmers with cold hands
-460°F
All atomic motion stops
Shetlanders stamp their feet and blow on their hands
-500°F
Hell freezes over
That’s the day the when Scots will support England at the World Cup.
It’s ‘I Hate My Job Day’ – Butt Seriously….
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May 272010
….From Baz in Dronfield (UK)
Whenever you have an ‘I Hate My Job day’ try this out:
[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy, go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
“Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.”
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,’ I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.’
HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!
..Remember, if you haven’t got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart….
Then you are just a sad old fart and maybe, just maybe, you should go and work for Johnson & Johnson!!!!!
Rickroll Illusion
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May 272010
This afterimage is based on one one of the most recent internet trends “rickrolling” in which a link to another web site or video directs instead of Rick Astley’s 1987 “Never Gonna Give You Up” music video on Youtube. To see this image stare at the cross in the center for about 30 seconds and then look away at a blank surface – blinking repeatedly can help to make it easier to see.
Sexist – Moi?
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May 272010
…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)
Woman in a hot air balloon realised she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
She descended a bit more and shouted: ‘Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but, I don’t know where I am.’
The man below replied, ‘You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north, latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west, longitude.’
You must be an Engineer,’ said the balloonist.
‘I am,’ replied the man, ‘how did you know?’
‘Well,’ answered the balloonist, ‘everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip by your talk.’
The man below responded, ‘You must be in Management.’
‘I am,’ replied the balloonist, ‘but how did you know?’
‘Well,’ said the man, ‘you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my b****y fault.’
A WARNING TO ALL ‘OLDER’ MEN
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May 262010
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven’t heard about it. This will only become more commonplace as the weather warms.
A ‘heads up’ for those men who may be regular Target, Bunnings, or Coles customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Several months ago, I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.
Here’s how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy Tee-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.
You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen January 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also February 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.
What a horrible way to take advantage of older men.
Warn your friends to be vigilant.
I found cheap wallets for $1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out.
OK, I Give In. Where di’t Go?
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May 262010
Instant Tension Relief
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May 262010