…From Baz in Dronfield
GOOD. Tomorrow we’ll do Peter Mandelson
…From Peter in North Berwick (UK)
A man calls home to his wife in Basingstoke and says, “Honey, I have been asked to fly to Scotland with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We’ll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend. And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We’re leaving at 4:30 PM from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, ‘Yes! Lots of Perch, some Bass and a few Pike.’
He adds ‘But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?’
The wife replies, “I did, they’re in your tackle box”.
Never, Never, Never try to outsmart a woman!!!
…From Gordon in Dronfield (UK)
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his T-shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the kitchen, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’
‘It depends,’ I replied. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’
He yelled back, ‘ Liverpool .’
And they say blondes are dumb…
———————————————————–
A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.’
The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you…’
——————————————
‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Bob says as he stepped out of the shower, ‘Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’
‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.
———————————————————–
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
———————————————————–
A man and his wife, now in their 60′s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good, each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger…
Whoosh….immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
———————————————————–
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
———————————————————–
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
———————————————————–
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
———————————————————–
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
———————————————————–
Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder ‘Instruction Manuals’
…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)
This is one of the cleverist things I have seen in ages. Really excellent.
Just click HERE , sit back and relax.
(I think we have had this one before – but it is a while ago and I had forgotten just how good it is. – Andy)
…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a holiday after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” the burglar laughed, “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
“The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
Just who thinks ‘em up.
Click HERE and be fascinated.
…from Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)
A man worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 87 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. I had invited two of my friends over for a Xmas dinner next week. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady addressed to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it was those bastards at the Post Office.
Edna
Yes, this is the 1100th. joke here on Jokers Wild.
Time flies…..
…and it’s from Baz in Dronfield (UK)
Chinese Wedding Night
A young Chinese couple get married. She’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn’t know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
‘My darring,’ he whispers, ‘I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise yow, I give you anythin you wan, I do anythin – juss anythin you wan. You juss ask. Whatchu wan?’ he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her..
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, ‘I wanna try somethin I have hear abow from odda girls… Numbaa 69.’
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, ‘You wan Garlic Chicken wiv egg flied lice?”
…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)
There was this small church up in Auckland that had a very big-busted Organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another Organist.
So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons, though, ‘because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while’.
She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said….’Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.’
Just sit back and enjoy. Turn up your sound.
Click HERE to watch.