Jokers Wild

…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It’s tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain you’re included in the will, it’s rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don’t allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one’s OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn’t a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your cleavage.

DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook – especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you’re interested: ‘I’ve been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff about you on the dunny door two years ago.’
3. Establish with her parents what time she’s expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM , others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it’s the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE/CINEMA
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummer-bund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun’s loaded and the roo’s in your rifle sight
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn’t always have the right of way.
3. Always drive in the shade.
4. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
5. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it’s impolite to ask her to bring back beer too!!!!.

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

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…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at £2000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 quid.
Haven’t lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, ‘Well, she looks good, doesn’t she?’

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,……just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

A group of 40 year old buddies discussed where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitress’s there had low cut blouses and were very young.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant had an early bird special, was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.