Jokers Wild

…From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)
(With Flags by Andy!)

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated”or even “A Bit Cross.”
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.  Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.”
The last time the British issued a” Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

.

.

The Scots raised their threat level from “Pissed Off”to“Let’s get the Bastards.”
They don’t have any other levels.
This is the reason they hate the English and have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

.

.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run”to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are“Collaborate”and“Surrender.”
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.

.

.

It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from“Shout loudly and excitedly”to“Elaborate Military Posturing.”
Two more levels remain:“Ineffective Combat Operations”and“Change Sides.”

.

.

The Germans also increased their alert state from“Disdainful Arrogance”to“Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.”
They also have two higher levels:“Invade a Neighbour”and“Lose.”

.

.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

.

.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

.

.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

.

.

And in the southern hemisphere…

New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA!”
Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy, some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath).
New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is, “I hope Australia will come and rescue us.”

.

.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, mate.”
Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!”, “I think we’ll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend,” and “The Barbie is cancelled.”
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

…from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish”.

The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, “Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women.
I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy.”

The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

…From Peter O’ in North Berwick (UK)

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery…….if you had to do this to survive you were “Piss Poor”
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldnt even afford to buy a pot………..they “didnt have a pot to piss in” & were the lowest of the low.
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June… However, since they were starting to smell . .. . brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the
babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the Bath water!”

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip an d fall off the roof. Hence the saying “It’s raining cats and dogs.”

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt.. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, “Dirt poor.” The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren’t you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, “bring home the bacon.” They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus,someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer…

And that’s the truth…Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !