Jokers Wild

…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll need to pee.

Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jam or honey sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance
If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors’ Law
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Donegal Town.
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.

To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, ‘I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken.’

‘I doubt it,’ said Paddy , truly proud of him self. ‘Tonight I’m the designated decoy!

…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?’

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe… as it happens, near Transylvania.

They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front, when suddenly the car skids out of control!

Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

He carefully picks Betty up and begins trudging down the road.
Soon he sees a light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. Then, a small, hunched man opens the creaking door.

Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”

“I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him!”

Bob carries his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs.

“I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places him on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.”
Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:

“Master, Master! ….. The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”

I am soooooo sorry…… But you really should’ve seen that one coming.

And Just When You Thought You Were Safe….!

…From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)

SAY NO MORE…!