…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink.
He replied in disgust ‘I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!’
Paddy handed his drink back and said ‘Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!’
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks ‘How many people are flying with you?’
Paddy replies ‘I don’t know! Its your plane!!’
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy ‘Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend Im mad!’
He climbs up into the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts ‘I’M A LIGHT BULB! I’M A LIGHT BULB!’
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts ‘Paddy you’re mad, go home’.
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
‘Where the hell are you going?’ asks the Foreman.
‘I cant work in the friggin dark! ‘ says Murphy.
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says ‘I wonder how the girls are getting on’
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses and lies on the bed spread-eagled and says ‘You know what I want don’t you?’
‘Yeah,’ says Paddy. ‘The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!’
Q. What’s a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar and you’ve got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
Paddy’s chat up lines:
1. Did ya fart? ‘Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? ‘Cos you’re special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? ‘Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbour’s dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says ‘To hell with this!’ and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later and his wife asks ‘What did you do?’
Paddy replies ‘Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!’
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. ‘Be Jeysus!’ he said, ‘I didn’t even know they had mobile phones!’
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say ‘Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!’
Paddy says ‘What’s his name?’
Mick replies ‘Miles from London !’
An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts ‘Its thick guys like you that give us Irish a bad name! I’d come over there and kick the crap out of you if I could swim!’
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