Jokers Wild

…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, ‘If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.’

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, ‘Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!’

The woman said, ‘That’s okay.’

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, ‘You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to’.

The woman replied, ‘That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.’

So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, ‘That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.’

The woman said, ‘That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.’

So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, ‘I’d like a mild heart attack.’

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. STOP here and continue feeling good.

Male readers ONLY: Please scroll down
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they’re really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen…now run along and put the kettle on, there’s a love.

…From Gordon in Dronfield (UK)

I have to say that this is not the first time I have seen this video. When I first saw it, it came with an explanation of how engineers at a university in the US had created the machine out of old car parts and household materials. It really caught everyone’s imagination and for a while, topped the You Tube ratings.
But it turned out to be a hoax – it’s computer generated.
Worth a watch though. Very clever.
Andy

Click HERE to see it.

…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink.
He replied in disgust ‘I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!’
Paddy handed his drink back and said ‘Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!’

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks ‘How many people are flying with you?’
Paddy replies ‘I don’t know! Its your plane!!’

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy ‘Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend Im mad!’
He climbs up into the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts ‘I’M A LIGHT BULB! I’M A LIGHT BULB!’
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts ‘Paddy you’re mad, go home’.
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
‘Where the hell are you going?’ asks the Foreman.
‘I cant work in the friggin dark! ‘ says Murphy.

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says ‘I wonder how the girls are getting on’

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses and lies on the bed spread-eagled and says ‘You know what I want don’t you?’
‘Yeah,’ says Paddy. ‘The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!’

Q. What’s a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar and you’ve got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Paddy’s chat up lines:
1. Did ya fart? ‘Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? ‘Cos you’re special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? ‘Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbour’s dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says ‘To hell with this!’ and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later and his wife asks ‘What did you do?’
Paddy replies ‘Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!’

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. ‘Be Jeysus!’ he said, ‘I didn’t even know they had mobile phones!’

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say ‘Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!’
Paddy says ‘What’s his name?’
Mick replies ‘Miles from London !’

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts ‘Its thick guys like you that give us Irish a bad name! I’d come over there and kick the crap out of you if I could swim!’

Pooh went to some extraordinary lengths to prevent himself and his friends from contracting Swine Flu from Piglet….

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express ‘Praise’ for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “I have a ‘Praise’. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, was involved in a terrible golf cart accident in which his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum by wrapping wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

“Now,” she announced in a quavering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, “I’m Tom.”

The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to remind my wife once again that………………………………

…………………….the word is ‘sternum’.”