…From Grant in Grays (UK)
This is ‘apparently’ a genuine ‘phone call. Only the animations are fake.
But then you can’t believe anything nowadays.
Anyway it IS good and lasts for about 4 minutes.
Click HERE to see and listen.
Complaint To ASDA (Walmart)
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Jan 272010
The Aussie Traveller
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Jan 272010
…From Baz in a damp Spain
An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster’s, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.
As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the payout from the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he’s from in Australia.
‘Melbourne ‘, he tells her.
‘So am I. What suburb?’ she enquires.
‘Glen Iris’ he replies.
‘That’s amazing,’ she says excitedly, ‘so am I – what street?’
‘Cameo Street ‘ he replies.
‘This is unbelievable………’ she says, her voice quavering;
‘What number?’
‘Number 20′, he replies.
She is totally astonished. ‘You are NOT going to believe this,’ she screams, ‘but I’m from number 22! My parents still live there!’
‘I know…’ he says, ‘Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you’
HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN !!
The Moment You Realise It’s Going To Hurt ….
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Jan 262010
This One, I Like!
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Jan 262010
…From Big John in North Berwick (UK)
One winter morning a couple are listening to the radio over breakfast.
They hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. We are asking everyone to park their car on the even-numbered side of the street, so there is room for the snow ploughs to get through.”
The wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow. So today you must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so that the snow ploughs can get through.”
The wife goes out and moves her car to the odd- numbered side.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park ……….”.
Then the power goes out.
The wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says to her husband, “Honey, I don’t know what to do! Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through today?”
With the love and understanding in his voice, that all married men exhibit, the husband says…….
“Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this morning?”
Ah, The Old Ones…..
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Jan 262010
…From Gordon in Dronfield (UK)
A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who’s boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won’t be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South African bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion’s cage… because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to the other lions and says: “What’s the food like here?”
The lions reply: “Absolutely brilliant. The food is excellent. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.”
Italian tomato garden
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Jan 252010
An old Italian lived alone in New York .
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
Now What Was That Proverb Again?
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Jan 252010
A Favour To Ask…
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Jan 252010
An Appeal from Gertrude in North Berwick (UK)
A favour to ask, it only takes a minute….
Please tell ten friends to tell ten today! The Breast Cancer site is having trouble getting enough people to click on their site daily to meet their quota of donating at least one free mammogram a day to an underprivileged woman. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on ‘donating a mammogram’ for free (pink window in the middle).
This doesn’t cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising.
Here’s the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/
AGAIN, PLEASE TELL 10 FRIENDS TO TELL 10
Fancy a Quickie?
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Jan 252010
…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
‘Tie me up,’ she purred, ‘and you can do anything you want.’
So he tied her up and went golfing..
.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, ‘Honey, pack your bags.. I won the lottery!’
The husband said, ‘Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?’
‘Doesn’t matter,’ she said. ‘Just get the hell out.’
.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
.
A Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driving licence.
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’
‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked.
‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’
.
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, ‘I must tell you all something.. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.’
‘Thank God,’ said an elderly nun at the back. ‘I’m so tired of Chardonnay.’
.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!
TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK!
Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’
The wife stared at him.
‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’
The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’
.
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Australian Tourism Website Answers Your Questions
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Jan 222010
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not … Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do…
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in > Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and > make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.
