…From Grant in Grays (UK)
Today is ‘National Stick Your Tongue Out At Someone’ Day
So JOIN IN!
Or are you tongued tied?
Archive for January, 2010
…From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric Thomas the Tank Engine train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, ‘All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, ‘cos we’re in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, ‘cos we’re going down the tracks’.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, ‘We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.’
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, ‘All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.’
She hears the little boy continue,
‘For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.’
As the mother began to smile, the child added……….
“And for those of you who are really pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.”
…From Grant in Grays (UK)
This is ‘apparently’ a genuine ‘phone call. Only the animations are fake.
But then you can’t believe anything nowadays.
Anyway it IS good and lasts for about 4 minutes.
Click HERE to see and listen.
…From Baz in a damp Spain
An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster’s, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.
As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the payout from the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he’s from in Australia.
‘Melbourne ‘, he tells her.
‘So am I. What suburb?’ she enquires.
‘Glen Iris’ he replies.
‘That’s amazing,’ she says excitedly, ’so am I – what street?’
‘Cameo Street ‘ he replies.
‘This is unbelievable………’ she says, her voice quavering;
‘What number?’
‘Number 20′, he replies.
She is totally astonished. ‘You are NOT going to believe this,’ she screams, ‘but I’m from number 22! My parents still live there!’
‘I know…’ he says, ‘Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you’
HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN !!
…From Big John in North Berwick (UK)
One winter morning a couple are listening to the radio over breakfast.
They hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. We are asking everyone to park their car on the even-numbered side of the street, so there is room for the snow ploughs to get through.”
The wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow. So today you must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so that the snow ploughs can get through.”
The wife goes out and moves her car to the odd- numbered side.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park ……….”.
Then the power goes out.
The wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says to her husband, “Honey, I don’t know what to do! Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through today?”
With the love and understanding in his voice, that all married men exhibit, the husband says…….
“Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this morning?”
…From Gordon in Dronfield (UK)
A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who’s boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won’t be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South African bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion’s cage… because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to the other lions and says: “What’s the food like here?”
The lions reply: “Absolutely brilliant. The food is excellent. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.”
An old Italian lived alone in New York .
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
An Appeal from Gertrude in North Berwick (UK)
A favour to ask, it only takes a minute….
Please tell ten friends to tell ten today! The Breast Cancer site is having trouble getting enough people to click on their site daily to meet their quota of donating at least one free mammogram a day to an underprivileged woman. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on ‘donating a mammogram’ for free (pink window in the middle).
This doesn’t cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising.
Here’s the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/
AGAIN, PLEASE TELL 10 FRIENDS TO TELL 10
