Jokers Wild

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

It was late on a Friday afternoon, and Mike was attending his 4X4 club’s monthly meeting. He had just told his mates that he couldn’t make the upcoming weekend fishing trip because his wife wouldn’t let him go

After listening to the jeers and hoots and other derisive remarks from his fellow 4X4 friends, Mike left the meeting with his head hung in shame, to go back home to his wife.

Later that evening, when Mike’s friends started arriving at the camp grounds to set up camp, they were surprised to see Mike sitting there in a lawn chair, tent already set up, fishing rod in hand, and a roast stewing away over a hot bed of coals.

“How did you talk your wife into letting you go Mike?” one of his mates asked.

“I didn’t have to” laughed Mike. “When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my recliner, feeling like a whipped puppy. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes with her hands, and said, ‘Surprise!!’”

When I peeled her hands back from my eyes, I saw that she was standing there naked under a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, “Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want.”

“So, I tied her to the bed…. And here I am!”

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children’s science exam answers…

They were really given as answers…

Q: Name the four seasons..
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?(Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts — the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the boraxcontains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is a fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does ‘varicose’ mean? (I do love this one…)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarian Section.’
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word ‘benign’ mean?’
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

…Spotted by Baz in Dronfield (UK)

In the mornings, these aptly-shaped shadows all point to the west side of the bridge, which is the side of the English Houses of Parliament.

A man was lonely so he decided to buy an unusual pet.

After some brain racking he finally decided on a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for it’s house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, ‘Would you like to go to Frank’s place with me and have a beer?

But there was no answer from his new Pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, ‘How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?’

But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and shouting, ‘Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank’s place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box: ‘I heard you the first time………

I’m just putting my b****y shoes on!’