…From Mary in Valencia, California (US)
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth.
Stones in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood.
Lead in the Ass.
Iron in the Arteries.
And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.
I never thought I’d accumulate such wealth…
WISHING YOU AND YOURS
A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS
AND A NEW YEAR
FILLED WITH LIFE’S GREATNESS ALWAYS.
CHEERS!!!
Hi Andy,
Many thanks for all you have done this year, and all the best to you and your family for a Happy, Healthy and Safe New Year.
Please pass on my best wishes to all on Jokers Wild, and I will do my utmost to keep the jokes coming.
Baz
Thanks Baz. Same to you and yours….Andy
…From Big John on Mull (UK)
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
‘I’m not sure what to do,’ says the Devil. ‘You’re on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I’m going to have to let someone else go. I’ve got three folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let you decide who leaves.’
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
‘No!’ said George. ‘I don’t think so, I’m not a good swimmer and don’t think I could stay in hot water all day.’
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
‘ No! I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.’ commented George.
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said ‘Yeah, I can handle this.’
The Devil smiled and said, ‘OK, Monica, you’re free to go!’
…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)
Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, ‘I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.’
The second responds, ‘Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.’
The third surgeon says, ‘No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.’
The fourth surgeon chimes in, ‘You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.’
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, ‘You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine and there are only two moving parts – the mouth and the arsehole – and they are interchangeable’
… From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, ‘Are you ready to find Jesus?’
The drunk shouts, ‘Yes, oi am.’
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, ‘Brother, have you found Jesus?’
The drunk replies, ‘No, oi haven’t found Jesus.’
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, ‘Have you found Jesus me brother?’
The drunk again answers, ‘No, oi haven’t found Jesus..’
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again — but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, ‘For the love of God – have you found Jesus?’
(Are you ready for this????)
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher………………….’Are you sure dis is where he fell in…?
…From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it..
Sometimes too much to drink isn’t enough.
Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Heaven is where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
and
It’s all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and
It’s all organized by the Italians.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
ALABAMA:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.
I’m not your type.
I’m not inflatable.
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey”, died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Live TV British Soccer Today
(All times shown are GMT)
Sheffield Wednesday vs Newcastle United 12:45
Birmingham City vs Chelsea 12.45
Queens Park Rangers vs Bristol City 13.00
Fulham vs Tottenham Hotspur 13.00
West Ham United vs Portsmouth 13.00
Burnley vs Bolton Wanderers 14.00
Sunderland vs Everton 15.00
Celtic vs Hamilton 15.00
Liverpool vs Wolverhampton 17.30
Leicester City vs Sheffield United 19.00
All can be accessed at http://www.atdhe.net
- and it’s free!!
…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)
Click HERE for this superb Google link.
If you don’t have Google, it is worth getting just for this!
…From Big John in North Berwick (UK)
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones,
and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day?
I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men’s used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads…
.
.
.
Honey,
.
Bertha, Duke, Slim & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
Don’t mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the postman this morning and messed him up bad. I don’t think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of ‘em in the house.
.
Better wait outside. I’ll Be Back.
.
Slug