Jokers Wild

….From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)

Hello and welcome to a brand new edition of ‘ASYLUM’.

Today’s program features another chance to take part in our exciting competition:

HIJACK AN AIRLINER

and win

A COUNCIL HOUSE!

We’ve already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor, The British Taxpayer.

And don’t forget, we’re now the fastest growing game on the planet.

Anyone can play, provided they don’t already hold a valid British Passport, and you only need one word of English:

‘ASYLUM’

Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and
accosting drivers at traffic lights.

This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar.

No application ever refused – reasonable or unreasonable.

All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password:

‘ASYLUM’

A few years ago, 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury £200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel.

They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain.

Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services area, in Historic Bedfordshire.

If you still don’t understand the rules, don’t forget, there’s no need to phone a friend or ask the audience.

Just apply for legal aid.

Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help.

It won’t cost you a penny.

It could change your life forever.
So play today.

Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet
activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil tigers,
bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas…

COME ON DOWN!

Get along to the airport!

Get along to the lorry park!

Get along to the ferry terminal!

Don’t stop in Germany or France !

Go straight to Britain

And you are GUARANTEED to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the softest game on earth.

Everyone’s a winner, when they play

‘ASYLUM’

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was “How are you getting on?”

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked.
“Probably,” said Paddy “she burns everything else”

A gypsy girl sent an email to an Agony Aunt “I am 12 years old and haven’t had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer ?”

My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw! It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.

A sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its b******s!!

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk shit and can’t drive!

A vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist “Is the Porn channel in my room disabled ?”
“No” she replies “its just regular porn you sick b*****d”

A mate of mine has just told me he’s s******g his girlfriend and her twin.
I said, “How can you tell them apart.”
He said “Her brother’s got a moustache!”

A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems.
“Can you describe the symptoms to me”.
“Yes…..Homer is a fat yellow lazy so-and-so and Marg is a skinny bird with big blue hair!!”

My black-eye & fat lip suggests that ‘up the backside’….was definately the wrong answer when my girlfriend asked me ‘where are you taking me for my birthday?’

And then there was my mate who’d just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid.
“It’s the best in the world”, he said.
“What type is it?”, I asked.
And he said, “Ten past twelve”.

…. From Big John in North Berwick (UK)

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside….

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD 20 BEER: £2.00
HAMBURGER: £2.25
CHEESEBURGER: £2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : £3.50
HAND JOB: £50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole’ biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old biker.

“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, “may I help you?”

The old biker leans over the bar, “I was wondering young lady,” he whispers, “are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs “Why yes, yes, I sure am”.

The old biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, “Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger”.