Don’t Be Alarmed!
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Nov 102009
Frustration
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Nov 102009
When your husband or boyfriend does something that makes you angry;
Don’t give in to the temptation to argue, fuss and fight!
Just count to ten, remain calm & after he goes to bed,
Super-Glue his thongs to the floor.
A Penny For Your Thoughts
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Nov 102009
…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)
This young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’… perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss.”
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed.
The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle.”
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg.”
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.
Then he blushed.
The the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.
“Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. “Well, noo,” he said, “my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.”
“Really?” said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
“Aye,” said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, “Dae ye nae think it’s aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?”
Lest We Forget
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Nov 092009
This arrived as an email from David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK).
We are pleased to carry it here.
Please read the little cartoon below carefully. It’s powerful. Then read the comments at the end.
I’m doing my small part by forwarding this message. I hope you’ll consider doing the same.
It is now more than 60 years after the Second World War in Europe ended. This e-mail is being sent as a memorial chain, in memory of the six million Jews, 20 million Russians, 10 million Christians and 1,900 Catholic priests who were murdered, massacred, raped, burned, starved and humiliated with the German and Russian Peoples looking the other way!
Now, more than ever, with Iraq , Iran and others, claiming the Holocaust to be ‘a myth,’ it’s imperative to make sure the world never forgets because there are others who would like to do it again.
This e-mail is intended to reach 40 million people worldwide!
Join us and be a link in the memorial chain and help us distribute it around the world.
Please send this e-mail to people you know and ask them to continue the memorial chain.
Please don’t just delete it.
It will only take you a minute to pass this along. Thanks!
Reasons for Moving #3
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Nov 092009
The New Official EU Language
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Nov 092009
…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as ‘Euro-English’.
In the first year, ‘s’ will replace the soft ‘c’. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard ‘c’ will be dropped in favour of ‘k’. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome ‘ph’ will be replaced with ‘f’. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent ‘e’ in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ‘th’ with ‘z’ and ‘w’ with ‘v’.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary ‘o’ kan be dropd from vords kontaining ‘ou’ and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
Way Back in the 60′s
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Nov 092009
…. From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
‘Oh, come on in!’ Peggy Sue’s mother said as she welcomed Fred in. ‘Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?’
‘Iced tea, please,’ Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
‘So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?’ she asked.
‘Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach…’
‘Peggy likes to screw, you know,’ Mom informed him.
‘Really?’ Fred replied, eyebrows risen.
‘Oh yes,’ the mother continued. ‘When she goes out with her friends, that’s all they do!’
‘Is that so?’ asked Fred, incredulous.
‘Yes,’ said the mother. ‘As a matter of fact, she’d screw all night if we let her!’
‘Well, thanks for the tip!’ Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
‘Have fun, kids!’ the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
‘The Twist, Mom!’ she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. ‘The f@#king dance is called the Twist…!
For The Mathematicians Amongst You….
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Nov 052009
An Accurate Pie Chart.
Little Johnny’s at it again…….
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Nov 052009
…From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?’
‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’
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Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked.
‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
‘What’s the matter?’ asked Little Johnny. ‘Giving up?’
.
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The maths teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, ‘Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’
Little Johnny quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’
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Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.
Little Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”
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Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’
His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the postman wants to buy Mom ..’
THE AMISH & ELEVATORS
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Nov 052009
…From Big John in North Berwick (UK)
(I think we’ve had this one before – but I couldn’t be bothered to look cos it’s good anyway. – Andy)
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “What is this, father?”
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ……. “Go get your mother.”