…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)
I’ve often been asked, “Jack, what do you do now that you’re retired?”
Well…I’m fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, whisky and martinis into urine.
And, we’re pretty damn good at it too!
…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)
GORDON BROWN was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘Tragedy’.
So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a ‘Tragedy’.
A little boy stood up and offered, “If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin’ in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy.”
“Incorrect”, said Gordon, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too-Scottish-accent, “That would be an accident.”
A little girl raised her hand, “If a school bus kerryin’ fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a’body inside, that wid be a tragedy”
‘I’m afraid not’, explained Gordon, “that’s what we would refer to as a great loss’’.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room.
“Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: “If a plane kerryin’ you and Mr. Darlin’ wiz struck by a ‘freendly fire’ missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaimed Gordon, “and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Weel”, says the lad, “it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be a f*****g accident either!”
…From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)
The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari’s decision to take advantage of the British Government’s ‘Work for your Dole’ scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment whereas Ferrari’s existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!
At the crew’s first practice session, not only was the Scouser pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of lager, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton’s bird in the shower!
…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, ‘My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.’
‘What’s the morale of that story?’ asked the teacher.
‘Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!’
‘Very good,’ said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, ‘Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, ‘Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched’.’
‘That was a fine story Sarah.’
Michael, do you have a story to share?’
‘Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Auntie Sharon. Auntie Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.’
‘Good heavens,’ said the horrified teacher, ‘what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?’
‘Stay the f**k away from Auntie Sharon when she’s been drinking.’
We never know whether some of these ‘public announcements’ are genuine or not.
This one was sent in by David in Thorpe Willoughby. It is NOT a joke but we’ll give it a go…..
The Trading Standards Office are making people aware of the following scam:
Can you circulate this around especially as Xmas is fast approaching – it has been confirmed by Royal Mail.
A card is posted through your door from a company called PDS (Parcel Delivery Service) suggesting that they were unable to deliver a parcel and that you need to contact them on 0906 6611911 (a premium rate number).
DO NOT call this number, as this is a mail scam originating from Belize.
If you call the number and you start to hear a recorded message you will already have been billed £15 for the phone call.
If you do receive a card with these details, then please contact Royal Mail Fraud on 0207 239 6655 or ICSTIS (the premium rate service regulator) at www.icstis.org.uk
Karen Gibbs
Police Community Support Officer (70253)
Beat Manager Hutton Central and East D322C/E
Brentwood Neighbourhood Policing Team (Western Division)
Brentwood Police Station, 4 London Road, Brentwood, Essex CM14 4QJ
…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’ pointing to the bowl.
‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven’t had the flu All winter.’
…From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
As time went by though, the traffic slowly built up. Indeed, it became so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.”
“What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff.
“I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!”
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, “You’ve got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster.”
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, “Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?”
The Sheriff told him, “Sure thing, put up your own sign.”
He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.
The Sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later however, curiosity got the best of the Sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call..
“How’s the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?”
“Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy..”
He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, “I’d better go out there and take a look at that sign… It might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers…”
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John’s house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
It was spray painted on a sheet of wood….
NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for chicks!
Three men married wives from different countries.
The first man married a woman from China.
He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Italy.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from England.
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, ‘All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, ‘cos we’re in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, ‘cos we’re going down the tracks’.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, ‘We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.’
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
‘All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.’
She hears the little boy continue,
‘For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.’
As the mother began to smile, the child added……….
‘For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.