Jokers Wild

…from David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.’ Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, ‘How soon do you need to know?’

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, ”Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?’ Mabel answered, ‘I have a suppository in my ear?’ She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, ‘Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.’

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, ‘You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.’
Replied the widow, ‘I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.’

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: ‘Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise .
‘The old man faxed back: ‘Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.’

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, ‘Watch that wall!’

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, ‘I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.’
I said, ‘Well, then why are you crying?’
She said, ‘He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, ‘Well, why are you crying?’
She said, ‘For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. ‘
I said, ‘Well, why in the world would you be crying?’
She said, ‘I can’t remember where I live!’

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “NO! I WON’T SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT!”

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology, and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £200?!”

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.. After a while Mick says, ‘Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?’

Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. ‘Dis’ll neva do, Mick. Let’s row some more.’

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again, but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, ‘Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?’ Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, ‘No, dis’ll neva do.’ The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface, gasping for breath. ‘Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?’

‘Aye ’tis’, says Paddy. ‘Hand me da shovel.’

…spotted by Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

1. A man dashed into the A&E dept. and yelled . . . ‘My wife’s going to have her baby in the taxi’. I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady’s dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, after protests from the lady, I noticed that there were several taxis..!
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, St. Andrew’s Hospital. Glasgow

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,’ I instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,’. . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes, St.Thomas’s Hospital, Bath

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Royal London Hospital.

4. During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
‘Which one ?’. . .. I asked.
‘The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!’
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General Hospital, Norwich

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked ‘How long have you been bedridden?’
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .’Why, not for about twenty years – when my husband was still alive.’
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Maidenhead Royal Hospital, Kent

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .’ So how was your breakfast this morning?’
‘It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste.’. . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled ‘KY Jelly.’
Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon, Bristol Infirmary.

7. A nurse was on duty in A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .’Keep off the grass.’
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which read, ‘Sorry .. . . had to mow the lawn.’
Anon

These images are actually identical, but the tower on the right looks more lopsided because the human visual system treats the two images as one scene. Our brains have learned that two tall objects in our view will usually rise at the same angle but converge toward the top. Because these towers are parallel, they do not converge, so the visual system thinks they must be rising at different angles.