Jokers Wild

…From Carol in North Berwick (UK)

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, ‘Do you know who I am?’

The man replied, ‘Yep, sure do.’

‘Aren’t you afraid of me?’ Satan asked.

‘Nope, sure ain’t.’ said the man.

Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?’ asked Satan.

‘Don’t doubt it for a minute,’ returned the old man, in an even tone.

‘Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?’ persisted Satan.

‘Yep,’ was the calm reply.

‘And you’re still not afraid?’ asked Satan.

‘Nope,’ said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘ Why aren’t you afraid of me?’

The man calmly replied, ‘Been married to your sister for 48 years…

…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

I’m never drinking again.

I’m never drinking again.

I’m never drinking again.

I’m never drinking again.

I’m never drinking again!

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn’t gotten out of
her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her
to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she’d go out, but didn’t know
anyone.

Her daughter immediately replies: “Mom, I have someone for you to meet.

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for
six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except
for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks: “Why the black panties?

She replies: “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but
down there I am still in mourning.”

He knows he’s not getting lucky that night…

The following night the same scenario. She’s standing there with the black
panties on, and he is in his birthday suit … except that he is wearing a black
condom.

She looks at him and asks: “What’s with this black condom?”

He replies: “I just want to offer you my deepest condolences

…From Big John in North Berwick (UK)

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, ‘Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’

But he ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi Turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a Shit-Head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn’t care. We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired.

It’s important at our age.