…From Peter in North Berwick (UK)

REMEMBER WHEN YOUR MOTHER TOLD YOU NEVER TO TAKE CANDY FROM A STRANGER….

…THIS IS THE ONE SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT!!!!!

Some adult humour now from Baz in Dronfield.

Click HERE for the Google link.

…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 75Mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don’t scare easily.

But she scared me so much, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call.

Bloody women drivers!!

A man boarded an aircraft at London ’s Heathrow Aiport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo – she took the seat right beside him.

“Hello”, he blurted out, “Business trip or vacation?”

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .”

He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality..”

“Really”, he smiled, “what myths are those?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed, when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.”

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable, and blushed. “I’m sorry, l do apologize” She said.

“I really shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name!”

“Tonto,” the man said. “Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.”

…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

Click HERE for the Google Link

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK) – but currently in Espania.

Click HERE for this Google link.

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.

But it was a long time ago & it was just that one day.

…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:-

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. If ‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language, could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver’s licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (my fav)

18. No one ever says, ‘It’s only a game’ when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

24. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?

25. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: ‘How much is this bronze rat?’

The owner replied: ‘It’s £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.’

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: ‘I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story.’

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.

By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned..

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: ‘Ah, you’ve come back for the story then?’

‘No,’ said the tourist, ‘I came back to see if you’ve got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a paedophile, a Manchester United supporter, a Banker, a Politician and anything French!’