Jokers Wild

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

Husband says: ‘When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?’

Wife says: ‘I clean the toilet’

Husband says: ‘How does that help?’

Wife says: ‘I use your Toothbrush…..’

….From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

All too rarely, Australian airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight ‘safety lecture’ and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On an Air NZ Flight with a very ‘senior’ flight attendant crew, the Pilot said, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.’

On landing the hostess said, ‘Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.’

‘There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to leave the aircraft.’

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland, a lone Voice came over the loudspeaker: ‘Whoa, big fella. WHOA!’

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, ‘Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as f*** everything has shifted.’

From a Qantas employee: ‘Welcome aboard Qantas Flight X to Y. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.’

‘In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.

‘Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines.’

‘Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.’

Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, ‘That was quite bump and I know what you are all thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault… it was the asphalt!’

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: ‘We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.’

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a ‘Thanks for flying United.’ He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except for an old lady walking with a cane. She said, ‘Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?’ ‘Why no Ma’am,’ said the pilot. ‘What is it?’
The little old lady said, ‘Did we land or were we shot down?’

After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came on with, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.’

Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: ‘We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you’ll think of Qantas.’

A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!’
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!’
A passenger in Economy said, ‘That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!’

That was a good one Baz. A bit long but good. Nothing on the telly either. Needed a drink…zzzzzzz

…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn’t know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

…From Roy in Flintshire (UK)

At dawn the telephone rings, ‘Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.’

‘Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?’

‘Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is
dead’

‘My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?’

‘Si, Senor, that’s the one.’

‘Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he
die from?’

‘From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.’

‘Rotten meat? Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?’

‘Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.’

‘Dead horse? What dead horse?’

‘The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.’

‘My prize thoroughbred is dead?’

‘Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.’

‘Are you insane?? What water cart?’

‘The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.’

‘Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??’

‘The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire.’

‘What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of
a candle?? !!’

‘Yes, Senor Rod..’

‘But there’s electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?’

‘For the funeral, Senor Rod.’

‘WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!’

‘Your wife’s, Senor Rod’, she showed up very late one night and I thought
she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor-Made Super Quad 460 golf club.’

SILENCE . . . . . . .. . . .LONG SILENCE . . . . . . .

‘Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re in deep shit!!’