The following games can be seen today – free:
Arsenal vs Tottenham Hotspur 12.45
Bolton vs Chelsea 15:00
Burnley vs Hull City 15:00
Everton vs Aston Villa 15:00
Fulham vs Liverpool 15:00
Sunderland vs West Ham United 15:00
Celtic vs Kilmarnock 15:00
Manchester United vs Blackburn Rovers 17.30
(All times shown are G.M.T.)
Just tune in to http://www.atdhe.net and take your pick.
….From Gordon in Dronfield (UK)
If you can’t find that book, you are probably at the…
…Frae Carol in North Berwick (UK)
Are ye tired o’ those pish weak ‘friendship’ poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here are a series o’ promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cute wee smiley faces here!
Just the stone cold truth o’ a great friendship.
1. When ye are sad — I will help you get pished and plot revenge against the bastard who made ye sad.
2. When ye are blue — I will try to dislodge whatever is choking ye.
3. When ye smile — I will know ye are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.
4. When ye are scared — I will take the pish oot o’ you every chance I get, until you’re NOT.
5. When ye are worried — I will tell ye stories about how much worse it could be until YE STOP WHINING!
6… When yer confused — I will try to use only wee words.
7… When ye are sick — Stay the f**k away frae me until ye are well again. I don’t want whatever ye’ve got.
8… When ye fall, I will laugh my f****n heed aff at you, you clumsy arse, ……..but I’ll help you up.
9… This is my oath…. I pledge it tae the end. ‘Why?’ you may ask; Because you are my friend.
Friendship is like pishing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you
can feel the true warmth.
This was submitted by both Big John and Carol in North Berwick.
Must be something in the air!
A Love Story…..
I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache,
Shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy,
Beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I’m finished with you.
And, when I am finished,
You will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu.
Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!
…From Gordon in Dronfield (UK)
Some good golf quips…
Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”
Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”
Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”
Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Caddy: “Eventually.”
Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”
Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction.”
Caddy: “It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.”
Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”
Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”
Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”
…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)
One day, Tommy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
‘Bubba, where’d ya git that truck?’
‘Tammie give it to me,’ Bubba replied.
‘She give it to ya? I know’d she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?’
‘Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin’ out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
‘Bubba, take whatever you want.’
So I took the truck!’
‘Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit ya!’
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!”
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did a cured ham actually have?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not one in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crouch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
Do the Alphabet and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
…From Gordon in Dronfield (UK)
A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured by police only two blocks away when his van ran out of petrol.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, ‘Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.’
I had no Monet
To buy Degas
To make the Van Gogh!!
See if you have De Gaulle to pass this onto anyone else…
We only posted it here because we didn’t think we would have too much Toulouse.
