Jokers Wild

… from Gordon in Dronfield (UK)

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says, “How’s the singing career going?”

Stevie Wonder replies, “Not too bad. How’s the golf?”

Woods replies, “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing but I think I’ve got that going right now.”

Stevie says, “I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”

Tiger says, “You play golf?”

Wonder says, “Oh, yes, I’ve been playing for years.”

Woods says, “But you’re blind! How can you play golf if you can’t see?”

Wonder replies, “I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the next shot till I get to the green.”

“But how do you putt?” asks Woods.

“Well,” says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice.”

Woods asks, “What’s your handicap?”

Stevie says, “Well, I’m a scratch golfer.”

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”

Wonder replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.”

Woods thinks it over and says, “OK, I’m for that, when would you like to play?”

Stevie says, “Pick a night.”

…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, ‘Son, how old are you?’

Eight,’ the boy replied.

The man continued, ‘Do you know what these are used for?’

The boy replied, ‘Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either.’

‘

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

Y’know” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there’s a little bar called McTavish’s. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you”

“Well” said the Englishman, “at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”

“Ahhhhh, that’s not’n,” said the Irishman. “Back home in Dublin dere’s Ryan’s Bar. Now de moment you set foot in the place they buy you a drink, then anot’er. In fact all the drinks you like. Then when you’ve had enough drinks they take you upstairs and see that you get well laid. All on the house. And free t’boot to be sure.”

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman’s claims but he swears every word is true.

“Well,” asked the Englishman, “did this actually happen to you?”

“Not me meself, personally, no,” said the Irishman. “But it did happen to me sister.”