Jokers Wild

.. Frae ma bampot pal Carrrrrrrrol in Norrrrrrrrrrrth Berrrrrrrrrrrrrrwick (UK)

It’s a pure dead giveaway that you’re Scottish if….

1. You consider scattered showers with outbreaks of sunshine is good weather.

2. The only sausage you like is square.

3. You have been forced to do Scottish country dancing every year at secondary school.

4. You have a wide vocabulary of Scottish words such as numpty, aye, aye right, auldjin, baltic…

5. You destroyed your teeth when you were young using Buchanan’s toffee, Wham bars, Penny Dainties, MB Bars, Cola Cubes etc.

6. You have an enormous feeling of dread whenever Scotland play a ‘numpty’ team like the Faroe Islands.

7. You happily engage in a conversation about the weather with someone you’ve never met before.

8. Even if you normally hate the Proclaimers, Runrig, Caledonia , Deacon Blue and Big Country, you still love it when you’re in a club abroad and they play something Scottish.

9. You used to watch Glen Michael’s Cavalcade on a Sunday afternoon with his side kick Lamp Paladin.

10. You got Oor Wullie and The Broons annuals at Xmas.

11. You can tell where another Scot is from by their accent – “Awright, pal, gonnae gies a wee swatch oa yur Sun ? Cheers, magic pal.” Or “Fit ya bin up tae ? Fair few quines in the nicht, eh ?”, etc.

12. You see cops and hear someone shout ‘Errapolis’.

13. You have participated in or watched people having a ‘square go’.

14. You know that when someone asks you what school you went to they only want to know if you are catholic or protestant.

15. You have eaten lots and lots of random Scottish food like mince ‘n tatties, Tunnock’s Caramel Logs, oat cakes, haggis, Cullen Skink, Lees Macaroon Bars, etc.

16. A jakey has asked you for money.

17. You think nothing of waiting expectantly for your 1p change from a shop keeper.

18. You know the right response to ‘Ye dancing ?’ is ‘Y’askin?’ followed by ‘Ahm askin’ and finally ‘Then ahm dancin’.

19. Whenever you see sawdust it reminds you of pools of vomit as that’s what the jannies used to chuck on it at school.

20. You lose all respect for a groom who doesn’t wear a kilt.

21. You don’t do shopping… you ‘go the messages’.

22. You’re sitting on the train or bus and a drunk man sits next to you telling you a joke – and asking ‘Ahm no annoying ye ahm a?’ and you respond ‘Naw, not at a’, yer fine. This is ma stoap, but’.

23. You can have an entire phone conversation using only the words ‘awright’, ‘aye’ and ‘naw’.

24. You have experienced peer pressure to have an alcoholic drink when out – regardless of the circumstances.

25. You know that ye cannae fling yer pieces oot a 20 storey flat, and that seven hundred hungry weans’ll testify tae that. Furthermore you’re sure that if it’s butter, cheese or jeely, or if the breid is plain or pan, the odds against it reaching earth are 99 tae wan.

26. You know that going to a party at a friend’s house involves bringing your own drink.

27. Your holiday abroad is ruined if you hear there is a heatwave in Scotland while you’re away.

28. Your national team goes 2-0 up again the Czechs in a qualifier in Prague and your mate says we’ll end up losing 3-2 here and you think “Probably”.

29. You can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, and Auchtermuchty.

30. Your favourite pizza is deep fried and battered from the chippy.

31. You’re used to 4 seasons in one day.

32. You can’t pass a chip shop or kebab shop, without drooling, when you’re drunk.

33. You can fall about drunk without spilling your drink.

34. You measure distance in minutes.

35. You can understand Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like them in your own family.

36. You go to Saltcoats because you think it’s like being at the ocean.

37. You can make a whole sentence out of just swear words.

38. You know what haggis is made with and still eat it.

39. Somebody you know used a football schedule to plan their wedding day date.

40. You’ve been at a wedding where the footie results were read out.

41. You aren’t surprised to find curries, pizzas, kebabs, Irn Bru, nappies and fags all for sale in one shop.

42. Your seaside holiday home has Calor gas under it.

43. You know that Irn Bru is an infallible hangover cure.

44. You are 100 per cent Scottish if you have ever used these terms – “How’s it hingin’?”, “clarty”, “boggin”, “cludgie”, “dreich”, “bampot”, “bawheid”, “baw bag” and “dubble nugget”.

45. Finally, you understand all the above and are going to send it to your pals.

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

One for the Gentlemen amongst you.

Click HERE

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

The Queen and Prince Philip are talking.

Queen: “Philip, one has come to a monumental decision.”
Philip: “Not again Liz ! Last time you did that we ended up having Edward.”

Queen: “No! I’m going to dissolve parliament, all these money grabbing bastards running the country.”
Philip: “What! Who is going to bloody run it then?”

Queen: “We are, the whole family!”
Philip: “What like the bloody Mafia?”

Queen:” Look you can run the Foreign Office, you’re good with Johnny foreigner.”
Philip: “True.”

Queen: “And we have natural leaders for every job in the cabinet – Charles can handle the environment, Zara can do sport, Wills can do defence and of course Harry can handle immigration policy!”
Philip: “Actually, on reflection it’s a great idea!”

Queen: “Too right it is. Now Windsor or Balmoral?”
Philip: “What about them?”

Queen: “For the second home allowance!”

… From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had become over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to wee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women’s husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, ‘These girl nights out have got to stop! I’m starting to suspect the worst… My wife came home with no panties!!’

‘That’s nothing,’ said the other husband, ‘Mine came back with a card stuck to her backside that said…..

‘From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you!’