Jokers Wild

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds – to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist.

“Six pence,” says the chemist.

“How much for a new one?”

“Ten pence,”says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater cheer.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says. “We’ll have a new one.”

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.

I finished my pint and noticed that everyone was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

…From Big John in North Berwick (UK)

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

‘Hello?’

‘Mrs. Sanders, please’

‘Speaking.’

‘Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at the Western General Hospital in Edinburgh. When your husband’s G.P. sent Mr. Sanders’ urine sample to the lab last week, a sample from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.’

‘What do you mean?’ Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

‘Well one of the samples tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for HIV and we can’t tell which is which.’

‘That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?’ questioned Mrs. Sanders.

‘Normally we can, but BUPA will only pay for these expensive tests just once.’

‘Well, what am I supposed to do now?’

‘The people at BUPA recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.’

One Sunday, a minister asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the minister glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a £1,000 note. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate. So he asked who it was.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The minister asked her to join him at the front.

Slowly she made her way to where he was standing.

He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him”.

…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, ‘Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?’

Grandma replied, ‘Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programmes make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.’

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, ‘Hello son, is your Grandma home?’

The little boy replied, ‘Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.’

The minister fainted.